Blokey Dokey

Men eh? We're never happier than when we're drinking beer, looking at breasts and scratching ourselves in front of the television. This may indeed be the case, but I also enjoy other things, musicals, soap operas, and I have to admit I've shed a tear or two at some emotional moments in film and telly. However, it's good to be in touch with your masculine side every now and again, so thank god for John Rambo!

That's right, Stallone continues his one-man mission to make sequels to his biggest films (Stop! Or My Mom'll Shoot 2 is said to be in the pipeline.) with the fourth Rambo film. And it's a beauty! Moving to the Burmese jungle, and opening with some fairly disturbing footage of the Burmese civil war, the film does appear to have a serious message buried underneath all the deliriously over-the-top action sequences. I've always advocated First Blood as a genuinely brilliant film, and Rambo returns to the theme of countries turning their back on the men they train to kill. Stallone said that he wanted to up his game in the wake of films like Saving Private Ryan and by god he does it, with some severely bloody and in a couple of cases, distressing scenes. One scene features children being bayoneted, whilst the film climaxes with a massive action sequence which sees Rambo cut a guys head off, gut another man and use a massive gattling gun. It's an interesting shift in tone, but I suppose the bayoneting is there to show just how brutal the Burmese are. Still, it is Rambo so maybe we shouldn't look at it in depth, but you feel helluva manly on your way out the cinema, I had to go for a couple of pints afterwards...cos I'm a man ken?

Another thing caught my eye this Sunday, which blurs the boundaries between what men and women are supposed to enjoy. Traditionally, women love the Jeremy Kyle's and Ricki Lake's of this world, but The Steve Wilkos Show is bizarre. Wilkos is an ex-marine and bodyguard from Jerry Springers show, and now has his own show where he doles out advice or in the case of Sundays episode, confronts a paedophile...on stage...for 45 minutes. It's like they've given Vic Mackey from The Shield his own chat show...I mean just look at him!

Throughout the paedophile episode, he threatened to knock the guy on his ass, take a baseball bat to him, and forcibly remove his sunglasses. It was awesome. I'm awaiting an episode where he locks a warring couple in an old shipping container overnight to see if they sort things out or kill each other.

Quick word on the Oscars, and I was very happy to see No Country beat Atonement, because quite frankly, I'm sick to fucking death hearing about it. And Daniel Day Lewis is another very worthy winner. I was interested to see Eddie Murphy comedy Norbit get nominated for Best Make-Up.

And, talking about blokes, there was a lot of them at the climax of Primeval series 2. Well, a lot of one bloke, which makes the wait until next series all the more agonising, especially when I have uninspiring pap like Torchwood and Ashes to Ashes. But more on them next time.

Happy Valentines Day!

Isn't that gonna chip a tooth?

Love Is...advertising for sex on a toilet wall

Today is the day where couples are forced to be romantic whilst the rest of us wallow in depression over how we're all gonna be alone for the rest of our lives. But no matter how long I'm single, I can be safe in the knowledge that I will never advertise for sex on a public toilet wall. Some recent favourites of mine have been:

Married couple wanted, 7-8" cock, no weirdos, mine is only a 4".

Now, first and foremost, at what stage in a marriage does a couple decide they need a 4" cock to spice up their marriage? And second of all, "no weirdos"? I think, by advertising on the wall of a toilet cubicle, you're going to have to deal with your fair share of weirdos. Something this next one is more than happy with...

I am from Gorebridge and I love strange cock! Call [...]

There's not much I can really say to that, presumably Gorebridge (Just outside of Edinburgh) can be quite lacking in the strange cock department.

Love Is...Freema Agyeman being back on the telly

Last night saw Torchwood return to the quality of the opening first two episodes and then some. The first story, focusing on an alien with the power to create memories was a great character piece for the whole team, shedding a bit of light on Captain Jack's past and adding a little bit to the 'I found Gray' arc. Not only that but they managed to make old Zippy (Owen) likeable after 18 episodes. Martha Jones returned to our screens in the following episode in a story about Jim Robinson from Neighbours curing the worlds ills by exploiting aliens, much like the old Torchwood from the end of Doctor Who series 2. Freema shone, as a much more grown up version of Martha who's going to have to stick around a little bit longer after the shocking events of the last couple of minutes. Great stuff and I just hope they can keep it up.

Love Is...Masterchef

By far the most watchable cookery show (Kitchen Nightmares is in a league of its own), Masterchef reaches it's last quarter final this week, before moving on to next weeks semis. It's all rather exciting, can't decide whether to root for the girl who cooks raher complicated, some might say pretentious dishes because I fancy her, or the female police officer who actually made Gregg Wallace cry.

So Happy Valentines Day, I'm spending it alone...hand me those phone numbers will you?

Krondas Ins Kino

Many people would complain that cinema has lost it's mind because films like Meet The Spartans reach Number 1 in the U.S box office. This is not cinemas fault, this is the fault of the sort of idiots that go to the cinema to see any old shite, this makes money, big studios realise they really can polish a turd, and a horrific never ending cycle of piss-poor spoofs continue. Thankfully, there have been some fantastic films in the opening months of 2008, and then there have been some interesting ideas that failed to truly entertain, such as:

Cloverfield
Or "How Mark realised that after 4 years of Lost he really should have learned his fucking lesson by now."

I was looking forward to Cloverfield, I knew Abrams penchant for disappointing the hell out of people and leaving them hanging, but that trailer was freakin' awesome. Of course, the scene from the trailer and the absolutely fantastic, slightly Half Lifey tunnel sequence are really the only stand out, balls to the wall enjoyable scenes. Much like Lost, the victims of this particular disaster are all terribly good looking and (barring one unexplained explosion) do not suffer any disfigurements in the course of the film. As for the shaky handheld camera action, it gets old...it gets old very very quickly, and then you start feeling genuinely sick. And I'm not convinced the monster is not explained because it's from the perspective of normal folk. I have a funny feeling such things were left open for the sequel. So yes, very disappointing, nauseatingly so.

Next up is the best film I've seen this year. (Alright it's early days yet but I see a lot of films right? Get off my case yeah?) No Country For Old Men

I'm going to attempt to talk about the brilliant No Country without using the phrase "Blistering Return to Form". After an ill-advised remake of the splendid Ladykillers and, in my opinion, under-rated screwball comedy in the form of Intolerable Cruelty it was clear the Coen's had fallen slightly, ever so slightly from favour. Good job then that their latest film is a mature, bloody and brilliant film which is about more than just a drug deal gone wrong and a man on the run with a lot of money. Tommy Lee Jones is the true star of the film and shines, especially in the surprisingly abrupt ending. Good old fashioned grown up entertainment.

Juno now and I have to admit, I was worried. The opening scene with our protagonist swigging Sunny D and looking at discarded lawn furniture, ("The most awesome discarded living room set I have ever seen" Oh yes, very quirky very "random") who promptly steps into one of those nauseating Orange ads, all crayon drawings and a quirky sugary soundtrack. I was very worried, dear reader. Thankfully, once this title sequence was over, and there's a wonderful cameo from the American Office's Rainn Wilson and I was in. And I thoroughly thoroughly enjoyed the film, great cast, wonderful script, and even a mildly creepy relationship between 16 year old Juno and the man adopting her child. (played by the amazing Jason Bateman.) Allison Janney and Michael Cera do wonderful jobs at playing slightly different versions of their well known roles CJ Cregg and George Michael Bluth. A lovely, sweet film, just a shame it has a soundtrack so sugary that it puts the film in serious danger of giving you toothace, or at the very least a stomach ache usually resulting from over-indulging on the Pick and Mix.

A final mention goes to Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman playing Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman (is it now a contractual obligation that Freeman has to narrate every film he's in?) in The Bucket List. It's a thoroughly enjoyable 90 minute film about how short life is, as the boys gets busy living (sorry) before the inevitable. For reasons that become clear at the end of the film, the voiceover is perhaps unneccesary and a tad heavy handed, but it's funny, and it is always good to see Jack in action.

So there you have it, I'm off to Cineworld to see any film in the hope of catching the Doctor Who Series 4 trailer. Juno what I mean? (Been dying to get that pun in here somewhere.)