Heartbeat Flatlines....

Ha, Ha, Ha.

With the news that ITV is to halve its episodes of The Bill and that it will be axing much loved Sunday night staple Heartbeat, this humble blogger has got to thinking; how should Heartbeat end? The boring and obvious conclusion is that the clock strikes midnight, heralding the 1st of November 1970, but wouldn't it be great if they just throw caution to the wind and went absolutely fucking nuts in their last season? So here are 4 ways (In no particular order) to end Heartbeat.

1. Aidensfield is trapped in a time bubble
Well how else do you explain how it's been the 60's for the past 17 years? Think of it, a dishevelled character stumbles into the Aidensfield Arms and collapses. His pockets are searched and they find a number of weird unrecognisable items (iPhone, iPod, etc.) where has this man come from and how did he end up in this state? Cue nice gentle Sunday mystery until they realise there's no record of this strange man anywhere, he recovers and takes local bobby (Whoever's playing him nowadays.) to the edge of Aidensfield where they find a strange shimmering light (Dougie Henshall would call that an "anomaly") which they step through to find...da-da-daaaa; modern day Earth! They could find a giant sprawling garden centre or a Tesco or something. Maybe the anomaly then closes up and we lose 60's Aidenfield until it returns hundreds of years later like Brigadoon.

2. It's all an alien plot!
There's a cracking Tom Baker Doctor Who where an alien race has recreated a 1970's village to train a bunch of androids how to act so they can infiltrate and invade 1970's Earth! Switch the 70's for the 60's and BAM, we end Heartbeat with our androids finishing their training and setting off, destination: Earth!

3. He's in a coma
Nick Berry (Because I don't know the new actors names) is hearing voices in his head, and the TV's started talking to him. Is he mad? Throughout the course of the episode he's trying to solve some case or other, ending in a car chase (or a train robbery like the real Life on Mars) and the car crashes, erupts in flames! Oh my goodness! The image then goes out of focus, cutting to Nick Berry in a modern hospital bed, and it transpires he had a terrible accident and has been in a coma all this time, imagining he's in a gentle Sunday night ITV drama! Genius! America promptly remake it with Harvey Keitel as Derek Fowlds character.

4. Everybody Dies!
Blakes 7 famously ended by killing off every single character! Well, not quite, we don't ever really find out if Avon lives but they're all pretty much gunned down by the brutal Federation.
Now of course there was no facistic governing body running things in the 60's and noone in Aidensfield is rebelling against them, so maybe an unhinged war veteran (They're always war veterans) walks into the Aidensfield Arms and starts picking everyone off one by one until he gets to Nick Berry who also has a gun, it cuts to the outside of the pub, hearing a gunshot so we never know if Nick survived. They could also break the stringent rules on the soundtrack by putting in Nick Cave's fantastic, 14 minute ballad about a pub massacre; O'Malleys Bar over the last 14 minutes of the episode.

Of course, they could always end the show by fading to black. So Heartbeat is cut down in its prime, another victim of the credit crunch. With Last of the Summer Wine going too, what does this mean for our other Sunday night staples? Are The Royal and Wild at Heart also at risk? These are truly difficult times...

A trip to the cinema...

When I first decided to write this blog, I was going to talk about cinema, television, pop culture news etc. In the end, it's ended up primarily focusing on Doctor Who. No bad thing, but I rather feel I need to stretch my wings a little if I'm going to make this thing stand out. That said, turning my gaze to recent cinematic offerings is hardly going to acheive that either, ho hum.

On account of not having exams and not going to work, I've had a lot of time to see films, new films! Some of them have even been nominated for Oscars, such as "feelgood film of the decade" (Copyright all newspapers.) Slumdog Millionaire.
It's been said by funnier and cleverer men than me (Stand up Adam & Joe, Richard Herring and Andrew Collins) that Slumdog is not exactly a feelgood film; a child has his eyes burnt with a spoon, the beautiful girl is slashed in the face and water torture. Hardly Mama Mia is it? Taking on board the "feelgood film of the decade" tag overlooks the hardships that these real-life slumdogs are going through, all the terrible things he's experienced all go away with a cheque for a few million rupees and a beautiful girl?

That's not to say that it isn't a great film, it's fantastically clever and adopting the set-up of popular telly quiz Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? as a narrative device is a nice touch. It does have some wonderful moments of comedy too such as the scenes in the Call Centre discussing British culture and Scottish stereotypes. So yes, hugely entertaining film but "feelgood film of the decade"? Not convinced.

Next up was other Oscar contender Frost/Nixon and well...I'm really not sure about this. Much like Slumdog, there is an underdog quality applied to David Frost, that rather conveniently forgets a number of facts for "dramatic" purposes. David Frost, for those that don't know put together one of the first, if not the first (Must research these posts!) primetime satirical sketch shows on television which brought together Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett and half of the Pythons. He knows a fair bit, so to portray him as some lightweight international playboy who is far more interested in attending movie premieres than research his material is a tad patronising. With that out the way, it does have a fantastic performance from Frank Langella as Richard Nixon and his telephone rant is a joy to behold, and Michael Sheen is really rather good at mimicking Frost, though I wonder if he'll ever actually....you know, play a fictional character? All in all it's an entertaining film, but I advise you to track down the original Frost/Nixon Watergate interview because it's much, much more interesting.

The final contender for the Oscars I've watched is the utterly brilliant The Wrestler. This is how to do a sports movie; more Raging Bull than Rocky it is of course, far more about the man; broken down Randy "The Ram" than the sport. And although, like Rocky it builds to a final bout, this is no triumphant return to the ring, but I shan't spoil it for anyone. Some have said it's amazing that a film about professional wrestling can be so damned moving though I would point to the fantastic documentary Beyond the Mat. Of course the main theme at the heart of the film is knowing when to give up, when your body starts to fail you and what you do when your livelihood depends on that body being shipshape and this is played to perfection by Mickey Rourke's broken down wrestler and Marisa Tomei's broken down stripper. This time she may actually deserve the Oscar. (Miaow!) I look forward to Randy "The Ram"s next bout at Wrestlemania 25.

Is this where I do a Golden Globes nomination gag?

The final film I've seen this week also concerns ageing, in a similar way to the absolutely magnificent About Schmidt is Gran Torino. Starring and directed by Clint Eastwood it's a very strange sort of film, opening first with a Schmidt style recently widowed misanthrope before turning into a hilarious "old racist learns error of ways" story into a charming, funny coming of age tale which makes the final shift all the more devastating. Eastwood is on fine form as Walt Kowalski, essentially a retired Harry Callahan trying to teach those damned youngsters some respect. Joyously over sentimental, funny and heartbreaking it's surprising this hasn't received any Oscar nods, though maybe it was released too late....though I suppose the overly sentimental category is kind of taken up by Slumdog. I thoroughly recommend Gran Torino when it comes out over here!

I'm hoping to continue my recent burst in filmwatching by catching up on some of last years offerings, namely; W, The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas, Choke and What Just Happened?

Until next I see something worth writing about faithful reader. (Hopefully before the Doctor Who easter special eh?)

24 is back!

In 1986 after an 18 month hiatus, Doctor Who returned with a season of adventures tied together by a court case, the Doctor on trial for meddling in the affairs of other planets. The subtext was, of course, far from subtle, the country had fallen out of love with the show, with the character and everyone was quite literally on trial.

I think we now know what Colin Baker did in that 18 month hiatus!

Returning this week after what was probably longer than an 18 month hiatus is 24 which also opens with our protagonist on trial. After the spectacularly disappointing sixth season and the criticisms over the portrayal of torture within the show, it's no real surprise to find Jack Bauer on trial for human rights abuses. Again, a none too subtle subtext.


Thankfully, unlike the Trial of a Timelord season, the show dispenses with this plot strand rather quickly and again, unlike that season of Who, Day 7 of 24 is well on the way to being one of the best seasons in recent memory.

Building on events in the recent Redemption TV Movie, the action shifts from CTU in L.A (Where it's been firmly rooted for 6 years.) to the F.B.I in Washington and it's a refreshing change, sure all the cliches are the same (There's a mole, Jack isn't trusted by his superiors, one character will have a personal issue to deal with in a soapy subplot, a witness will be killed before imparting any information....) but there is a renewed energy about the whole series so far primarily down to the large number of new characters kicking about. No real favourites as yet, though Renee, the sultry FBI agent Jack is partnered with until...well, I wont spoil that for my SKY viewing friends. Although I'm convinced she'll be the one who's revealed to be sleeping with/has slept with their boss which would explain why Agent Moss keeps giving the pair of them suspicious looks.

I think he's gonna fuck her....

Also making for a refreshing change is that the threat and the villains are relatively low key, sure they're threatening to drop planes from the sky but that's small potatoes in relation to chemical weapons and detonating a nuke in the centre of L.A. The villains from Redemption rear their heads again as the villains of this series invoking a refreshing political and personal angle which was missing from last seasons extremely messy Chinese/Muslim/American/Russian villains. It's almost like going back to the Serbian revenge plot from the seminal Day 1. And is Tony Almeida really a terrorist? Having seen episodes 3 and 4, I know the answer but I wont tell you. What I will say is that I like the angle they're playing in these first few episodes that Jack himself could've very well gone this way too, they tried that in Day 3, but at least this time they have the sense to play him off a character who we know, who we loved, whose death reduced us to blubbering wrecks.

Anyway, the 24 team seem to have learned from their mistakes, so let's hope they don't mess up with the other 20 episodes. But isn't it absolutely great to have real, proper, wonderfully daft 24 back for the first time in years?

David Tennant is Old News!

Matt Smith is The Doctor!
Doctor Who? Ha, ha, ha.

But yes! The 11th Doctor was announced yesterday during a special edition of Confidential aired on big screens across the country(!)


And I am so glad they've gone with a relative unknown for the role, and he's the youngest Doctor ever he's only 3 years older than me for goodness sake! But yes, perfect choice, a young actor who's taking on a role that will make him one of the most recognisable faces in the country. Having not seen Party Animals (Which I will now seek out) I can't comment on his acting skills, but there is just something about him that fills me with confidence. So here's to 2010!

Big Brother With Famous People In It

Hey! Remember 12 months ago? Remember when I suggested that Mark Speight, Reg Hollis, Kenny Richey and the McCanns would be taking part this year? Yeah....sorry about that, actually I'm not, except the Mark Speight thing, that was immature.

So yeah, Celebrity Big Brother is back! Which country will Channel 4 almost trigger a war with this time? Well, it's early days yet so let's just slag off the contestants for a bit until something interesting happens.

La Toya Jackson seriously? She's like the least famous Jackson right? I mean I didn't even know she'd released singles until just now! And that laugh (Like Miss Piggy on helium.) is bound to get annoying, in fact, I think it already has.

Mutya Buena for goodness sake? The ugly one that left the Sugababes only for them to release cracking singles? What the fuck is this? La Toya Jackson, Mutya Buena; this is fast turning into Rejects from popular well known pop combos. Sigh.

Verne Troyer: Jesus Christ. 2ft 8 inches....*cough* stunt casting *cough*. I tell you what the ramifications of The Love Guru are far reaching. Watching him try and drag his suitcase into the house was painful to watch, eliciting "Awws" from the morons outside, therefore he's going to win.

Tommy Sheridan! I mean he has to do something until the next election. I saw Tommy's Edinburgh Fringe chat show a few years ago, so I've got a fair idea what to expect. Loads of jokes about the News of the World and calling people "Brother" or "Sister". I have a funny feeling he may be first out.

Lucy Pinder who's famous for putting her hands over her tits. Nice to see CBB still appealing to the channel hopping masturbator. That being the case, if they're not allowed to show the celebs in the shower, what's the point? I have a feeling she may clash with Tommy, or follow Danielle Lloyd's example and turn out to be a horrendous racist or maybe go one better and turn out to be a baby murderer.

Ben Adams! From A1! I think he's the boring pretty one.

Tina Malone she's in Shameless. And I hate Shameless. Not looking good for her is it?

Coolio! Jesus, where the Dickens has he been? He sounds like a bit of a dick to be honest, not only that but I think he's on the way to some Flava Flav style breakdown. Still, it means Gangsta's Paradise will probably be in the charts again though I'm more partial to I'll See You When You Get There.

Michelle Heaton. She was in Liberty X and married Lisa Scott Lee's brother. Meh, I've said it before; channel hopping masturbators....

Terry Christian off The Word! Christ he hasn't been on Channel 4 for a while has he?

And finally;

Ulrika Jonsson! Everyone's favourite Swedish nymphomaniac and John Leslie rape victim. Moving swiftly on....she's good on Shooting Stars so who knows? Still, were we really building up to Ulrika? Actually fair enough, she was on telly on Tuesday which is a damned sight more recent than most of the housemates.

Sooooo, I'll watch it to see Coolio snap, see how long Tommy goes without calling someone "Brother", and see if there's another race riot. That and I've got a shitload of uni work to avoid.