"The one, the only, and the best!"

David Morrissey, as miffed as I am that he isn't the next Doctor...

It's been three years now since the first ever Doctor Who Christmas Special introduced us to a new Doctor, and here we are, three years on being introduced to The Next Doctor. Sort of, but more of that in a minute.

It's interesting to note that last years Christmas special; The Voyage of the Damned was the first time that Nu-Who left me cold. I just didn't get it, Kylie Minogue was nothing more than a bit of stunt casting whose character was barely fleshed out. (A quick look at RTD's brilliant book; The Writers Tale has him admit that having Kylie on the show made him lazy when it came to characterisation, surely the casting coup is enough?) I didn't really care about the plot, George Costigan was hammy in a way we hadn't seen since Paul Darrow in Timelash and the Queen! Oh the Queen.

But I rather feel that, up until this year, I forgot the point of these Christmas specials. You see, a Christmas episode of Doctor Who, more than ever, is about entertainment. Around 13 million people tuned into Voyage of the Damned and those are the sorts of figures that, in this multi channel age, are not to be sniffed at. So with the mission statement of entertaining as many people as possible for 60 minutes, let's look at this years effort.

I'm going to put my cards on the table straight off; I loved this story, absolutely loved it. But why did I love it?

Davids Tennant and Morrissey primarily, their chemistry sparkled on screen as the "Two Doctors" the scenes between them trying to figure out what was going on were a joy to behold as each man tried to suss the other one out. Was Morrissey a future incarnation? Well of course he wasn't, and I must admit the moment the infostamps were brought out, I pretty much guessed how exactly David Morrissey was the Doctor. That said, when he was playing a caracature of the Doctor, he was spot on, all heroics and bluster and when he eventually reverted back to his true self, he broke my heart. Although again, dead wife and kidnapped son a smidge obvious but hey, we're all a bit sluggish after the turkey and Quality St to quibble right?

Speaking of plot, it seemed slightly odd that once the whole next Doctor storyline settled down, the Cyberman plotline kicked into gear. Of course it had been a constant presence up to that point but there was still very much the sense that these were two plots knocking around in RTD's head that he decided to cobble together.

And actually, whilst we're on the subject of Cybermen, is it just me or would it not have been easier, script-wise to have our universe's Cybermen in Victorian London with some time travel technology? It would've saved us from the rather bizarre plot point involving Cybermen and Daleks floating around in the void nicking stuff off each other. I'd have much rather RTD did away with all that and just gave us the standard alien invasion plot that was ticking away underneath all the wonderful next Doctor stuff.

And this brings us to The Next Doctor's ace in the hole, the Cyber-King! And kudos to The Mill because it looked incredible.

That sound you hear is Character Options rubbing their hands together...

Of course, it was utterly insane, but this is what RTD era Who does so well. I would've settled for the Cybermen enlisting a bunch of workhouse children to build a giant Cyber-King to invade Victorian London without any of that holes in the universe, nicking stuff off the Daleks exposition.

In summary then, The Next Doctor not only managed to entertain as many people as possible, but it chucked in a lot of nice nods and references (I'm looking at you 10 Doctors montage!) for us diehard fanboys who haven't been won round by the Christmas episodes in the past.For my money The Next Doctor is the most exciting, most entertaining, most bloody Christmassy Christmas Special we've had yet. The only bad thing is that we've only got 4 hours of the wonderful David Tennant left....

"Now why don't you get down into the shelter like all the other children?"

Kiefer Sutherland and a young African boy find solace in each other over 24 season 6.

There are times in life when we're hurt by the people we love. A betrayal perhaps, or just a genuine feeling that they've let us down. I'm sure, like myself you all have tales of woe. One such tale of mine involves a Counter Terrorist Agent called Jack Bauer, a nuclear bomb, an illegitimate son and some evil family members. I'm talking, of course, about the lazily written, woefully bad sixth series of much loved real-time action drama 24. The seventh series begins, after writers strike and prison sentence related delays some time in January, but to fill in the gaps, Fox put together a 2 hour TV Movie entitled 24: Redemption. So then, does it wash away that bitter taste left in the mouth by the downright ridiculous antics of season six? The answer is....not quite, but it's a damned good start.

First of all, it was fantastic to hear Kiefer say: "The following takes place between 3pm and 5pm...events occur in real time." That shit sends shivers up my spine that only the theme tune to Doctor who has managed.

Relocating the action to Africa and D.C respectively there is instantly a sense of a refreshing change, the main problem with the past few seasons of 24 were that it was pretty hard to believe that terrorists were only interested in bombing out large parts of L.A. Things reached a pretty barmy climax when the showrunners decided to nuke part of the city last season and have everyone carry on as if practically nothing happened.
Even more refreshing is that Redemption's storyline has no connection to terrorism whatsoever. Instead it focuses on a planned military coup in a fictional African nation, bankrolled by a suitably sinister and enigmatic Jon Voight. (Presumably next seasons rich white guy villain, 24's stock in trade for the past 6 years.)

Boo, and indeed hiss...

Thank god then, that Jack is hiding out in Sengala at a school run by former buddy Benton, hiding from a federal case against him. Benton is played by Robert Carlyle, doing his best Angelas Ashes Irish accent, even if his eventual fate is a tad predictable. (Hint: He's a mate of Jacks, which makes him evil, or victim of a tragic death. Or both if your Tony Almeida.)

The rebels are hiring children as soldiers and set their sights on Benton's school. Cue a classic Jack Bauer ass-kicking, some self sacrifice, a bit of torture and everything else you'd expect from your average 24 episode.

Meanwhile back in America, the groundwork is being laid out for next season, no evil Tony Almeida as yet, but we get a glance at the new female president (24 did the whole black president thing back in 2001) the aforementioned Voight and his sinister minions and the Presidents son, who appears to have stumbled on what Voight's character is up to. If I were him I'd be pretty careful, especially as Voight appears to have hired Gordon Ramsay as one of his henchmen.

It's nowhere near as beautifully plotted, fun or exciting as the best seasons of the show but of course it never could be, it's a 2 hour telly movie and a fun one at that. And also a damned sight better than the glorified car adverts that have preluded the last 3 seasons. Of course it's predictable, overly sentimental and there's some ridiculously heavy handed satire on the UN. (The title quote being one of Jack's criticisms of a cardboard cutout peacekeeper character whose name I didn't remember.) But it's a refreshing change of pace, and hopefully one they'll be able to carry on into Season 7.

The attention seeking lovechild of Spooks and Skins

Since September 11th 2001 our telly boxes have been chock-full of government agencies kicking terrorist ass. As tragic as that day was, you can argue it's been bloody lucrative for Fox and the BBC and their hugely succesful 24 and Spooks franchises. Both shows continue to rumble on through our TV schedules, still pulling in high ratings regardless of the fact that pretty much all original cast members are no longer involved.

Another succesful show of recent years is Channel 4's youth drama Skins hugely popular with kids and adults alike for it's sex and drugs portrayal of youth culture. So hey, here's an idea, why don't these two shows have unprotected sex with each other at a house party after one too many Cheeky Vimto's?

The result of such fornication is BBC3's new show Spooks: Code 9 a time-wasting, patronising exercise lacking the charm and wit of the two shows it's trying to emulate.

So what's wrong with it? For a start the central premise makes little to no sense whatsoever. A nuclear bomb explodes in London in 2012 (Presumably during the Olympics though this is never made explicit...well it blows up in a stadium but noone says "Olympics") killing thousands and making sure that "nothing is the same again". But this is not the harrowingly realistic portrayal of the classic Threads, apparently this attack kills most of MI5's agents leaving a bunch of young whippersnappers to do the job of fighting terrorists who are also getting younger. (And if you didn't understand my explanation, it's pretty much word for word what's said on screen.) It's a paper thin premise that has little to no explanation, and I doubt whether it'll be elaborated on in further episodes.

The team all live together in the same house (How very This Life.) and spend their downtime drinking shots and flirting with each other. (Much like Torchwood, Skins and er...This Life.) None of the characters are particularly likeable, or particularly original; one character who's name I forget or don't care to remember (I've only just finished watching the bloody thing!) is an ex-thief with a heart of gold trying to find his missing family.

Cheer up Georgia, you'll be back in Doctor who soon enough....

Not even the beautiful Georgia Moffet can make me care about the character, my main concern for her is that she's wasting her time in such a woeful piece of television.

All in all it's another "youth" show that treats its audience like they can't sit still for 5 minutes. The direction of the fight sequences at the start are ropey at best, and it's a struggle to figure out exactly who's punching who, and the less said about the Union Jack transition effect between scenes the better.

Coming so soon after the unmitigated disaster that is Bonekickers, Code 9 is further evidence that the Beeb is hastily trying to come up with a replacement for Doctor who in the schedules. Roll on 2010, I don't think we've ever needed the Doctor as much as we do now.

Celebrity Comes Out SHOCK!

Before you read this edition of KKK I fully advise you sit down. No seriously, you're going to want to take a seat because I have a startling revelation for you. Sat down? Good....here goes....




JOHN BARROWMAN IS GAY


What? You already knew? Of course, this is no real surprise to anybody who's owned a TV set over the past 3 years, being as he is, perhaps one of the gayest men on television. But why is he gay? Is it a case of nature or nurture? Thankfully the Barrowman Broadcasting Corporation decided to find out and sent our man on a journey across London (Made obvious by the ridiculous amounts of panning establishing shots of London landmarks...I thought I was watching the flipping Apprentice!) Chicago, LA and wherever it is his family live.

This picture features the lovely Eve Myles and therefore covers all demographics....

This is for the Beeb's new show The Making of Me a 3 part series in which celebrities try and find out what it is exactly that makes them the way they are. And Barrowman's journey is a genuinely interesting one, albeit one that scarcely touches on the problems many gay men face in coming out to their friends and family. Barrowman himself says that if he had stayed in Glasgow instead of moving to the States he may have ended up killing himself after coming out. It's an interesting point; Barrowman has been lucky, a loving caring family and living in a fairly liberal and affluent community that accepted him for what he was, something you may not have got back here in Scotland. Still, the show is not really about the hardships gay people face, it's about whether or not they're born with it, which is an admirable quest in itself.

So what does he find out? There are some interesting things in the programme, an MRI scan can pinpoint exactly what it is that turns us on. (My brain would clearly light up like a Christmas tree if I saw Kristin Bell in knee socks.) One "Ex-Gay" dismisses this as being the same as chocolate and that he can refuse men in the same way he can give up smoking because both are harmful. It is here and with an interview with a man who tried to "go straight" that Barrowman is actually serious for a moment, he's enthusiastic to the point of nausea at times and it's good to see him shocked and struggling to understand something. Unfortunately, for me, there's a lack of bona-fide proof that people are born gay. For all the similarities gay brains have to straight women brains and a search for a gay gene, there's no real definitive proof. It takes a rather shonky ending that falls apart slightly involving the length of ring fingers and the amount of older brothers you have that smacks of desperation. Especially when Barrowman almost celebrates the fact his mother miscarried a son.

Still, it's a worthwhile enough exercise, and a diverting albeit very interesting 60 minute though I doubt it does enough to convince those that believe homosexuality is a lifestyle choice otherwise. But hopefully it helps to make some headway.

"But we had the best of times."

Hey, SPOILERS!

That Russell T Davies is nae feart! Journey's End is perhaps his ballsiest script yet, poking the hardcore fan squarely in the eye right from the get-go. I must admit something before I continue this review and say that I didn't see Journey's End on first broadcast on account of being in Shetland, one pub did have it on though and there was a brief moment where I had to decide whether or not to ask them to turn it off or turn it up!

So with that out the way let's take a look at poke in the eye #1:- Namely the "Regeneration". The press have been speculating wildly over whether or not David Tennant would be staying in the role past last weeks cliffhanger. I never once for a moment thought he was going to fully regenerate into the 11th Doctor. And I'm not entirely sure what the hell everyone's problem is about him healing himself and siphoning off the energy into the hand in the jar. After all, the Doctor is about to regenerate in Part 3 of The Caves of Androzani but pauses so that he can return to save Peri. So is it too much to ask us to believe that if he's got some matching bio-data to hand (hem hem) then he can halt the regeneration?

The hand and the regeneration energy, of course, gave us one of the other things some fans might find upsetting, but I'll come to that in a minute. As I said last week, I was sorely disappointed with last years finale and the distinct lack of confrontation between the wonderful David Tennant and John Simm. (Something, rumour has it, we might be getting next year.) Thankfully we had plenty of confrontation between Tennant's Doctor and Julian Bleach's rasping, chillingly portrayed Davros. Not only that, but instead of a CGI house-elf Doctor like last year, RTD gave us 3, yes 3! Doctors for the finale. Loved Tennant's portrayal of the slightly unhinged half-human version of the Doctor, and Catherine Tate's DoctorDonna was a joy to behold. Granted the whole thing was an excuse to satisfy those real people watching the show who want the Doctor and Rose to be together, dropping them both off on Bad wolf bay (The Doctor really is a dick, dropping the woman he's supposed to be in love with in Norway? How's she supposed to get home?) to start a new life and grow old together, personally I give it six months.

Lost in Translation much?

I had no problem with this, it seemed right somehow and is, I suppose the only real resolution to the Doctor and Rose's relationship. Rose wasn't great this week, liked her approval of Martha but apart from that she was in full-on lovesick puppy mode which just made me queasy. Talking Tylers; the appearance of Rose's mum holding a massive gun was ridiculous and her presence in the episode overall was bordering on the uneccesary.

Hands up if you have nothing to do this week...

Overall though, all the characters did seem to fit together for the climax rather well, highlighting the idea of fashioning weapons out of people and how maybe the Doctor hadn't taught his companions so well afterall. And as for that scene in the console room, never before have I been simultaneously grinning and cringing at the same time! Triumphant stuff.

The defeat of the Daleks was far far too comedic and totally jarred with the way they'd been portrayed up to that point. They were really properly menacing again and all the rolling them about the floor was just ridiculous. The genocide by clone-Doctor was pretty good though. Speaking of genocide; German Daleks? A step too far? Discuss.

And finally, and most sadly of all "the death". Davies has pulled this trick before and I really wished he had the balls to actually kill someone close to the Doctor this time round, afterall that was the whole theme of the episode. (It was very much focused on performance over plot.) Instead he retconned Donna, erasing her mind of all her adventures with the Doctor and turning her back into the irritating, gobby temp we met way back on Christmas Day 2006. Donna will be sorely missed by me, I really grew to love her as she evolved through the past 13 weeks and she is by far the best companion the show's had since Sarah Jane Smith. No more Tate, I expect, also means no more Cribbins, who excelled himself in those final scenes bringing actual actual tears to my eyes. ("She was better when she was with you." "I'll keep an eye out for you son...")

Overall, it was a slightly too long, (15 minutes of saying goodbye does not justify a longer timeslot ) big ballsy round-up of Russell T Davies' brave new era of the show, light on plot but made up for in sheer spectacle and great performances from our 2 regulars and the villain. Farewell to Rose, and to Donna, and heres to 4 (Or is that 5?) exciting special episodes from Russell T Davies and David Tennant.

The Geeky
"I'm half-human, isn't that wizard." - Further derision towards that plot twist in the 1996 TV movie.

"Do you come from an old welsh family?" - Pointless and unnecessary reference to 2005's The Unquiet Dead but never mind!

Davros and Sarah Jane's discussion of the events of Genesis was just ace

So that's it, the last regular episode until 2010. Christmas sees David Tennant reunited with David Morrissey and the Cybermen. I mean, that's got to be good....right?

FREE BOOBS!

God, everywhere you go these days people are asking for your money aren't they? Shelter want your money to help the homeless, Children in Need want you to help all the neglected kiddies in the UK, Comic Relief want you to help out across the Globe, Amnesty want you to give money to help stop human rights abuses, women want you to donate money for their breast enlargement....whoa, hang on, what?

Yes indeed, Virgin 1's documentary 100 Men Own My Breasts examines this new worthy charity. Focusing on the website that started the whole thing off; http://myfreeimplants.com/ it charts the efforts of three British girls who want larger breasts and decide to join the website in the hope that lonely one-handed typists with more money than sense will pay money towards their breast enlargement surgery. Yes...seriously. I mean for god sake what the hell happened to using your credit card on the internet for joining borderline illegal pornography sites?

The girls take different approaches, Karen, like many of the women on the site, posts "sexy" pictures of her and best friend in a variety of saucy poses in exchange for money. These photos are taken by her willing amateur pornographer husband who is more than happy to pimp his girlfriend out to the interweb in exchange for some larger breasts to come home to at night. He fully understands who is exploiting who in this situation...but I dunno, for me it's a lot harder to discern. I mean, your average strip club has stringent rules on what you can and cannot do, allowing the strippers to fully exploit their customers. An analogy that Karen quite rightly makes. It seems to me, certainly in the case of that in order to raise the money, they are forced to post saucier pictures and spend more time talking to the users that it puts their marriage at risk. So who the hell is benefitting from this? Student Sarah sees sense, and leaves the site, but is not allowed to leave with her 3,000 dollars...so does that go back to the donors or what?

The donors they speak to are perhaps the most stereotypical ones they could find. Beardy weirdy with a lisp Robert is seen to buy plastic figurines of wizards and dragons.

Another donor (who wishes to remain anonymous) walks with a limp and has a funny voice....I mean seriously!

1oo Men Own My Breasts even resorts to some nice visual metaphor later on in the film as Single Mum Sarah goes back on her promise not to do sexy shots. As they cut to the shot of her pet snake swallowing a dead mouse; she's being swallowed up by the site...DO YOU SEE?

It's a tough call to decide exactly who's at fault here, it's a fine line you draw between raising money and prostituting yourself and the film seems to suggest that the borderline prostitution is the only way to raise the money they so desperately need. Karen is the one who posts the topless shots and its she who gets the money she needs in about 4 months. Now if you'll excuse me I need to pay for my new .com web address for my latest venture. www.myfreepenisenlargement.com.

"She wouldn't let me have one, she says they're naughty...."

Spoilers ahead, watch The Stolen Earth then come back.

Bernard Cribbins hot webcam action XXX Now wouldn't that be a special 50th Post Bonus?

No, of course not, it's that time of year again folks! Russell T Davies brings his version of Doctor to a close in barnstorming fashion chucking in every character from the Nu-Whoniverse he can manage to take on the might of Davros and his new Dalek empire. Everything about this episode screamed "End of an era" right down to the audacious cliffhanger (More on that later) and added to the threat posed by the Daleks. Everything was on a much bigger scale than usual finales, we had an army of Daleks descimate New York, (Though was it necessary to have Michael Brandon for such a small role?) and a complete lack of the Doctor cos he couldn't find where the Earth had buggered off to. So it's down to this merry band to contact the useless bastard.

Brady Bunch Revival Back On...

Loved these scenes between all the characters of the Whoniverse, especially the flirting between Sarah Jane and Captain Jack, and I'm almost certain Captain Jack and Sarah Janes young son Luke! Even more entertaining to watch was Roses chagrin at not even being mentioned or included in the big plans drawn up by the Doc's former companions. Whilst all this is going on, the Doctor takes Donna to visit the Shadow Proclamation, mentioned waaaay back in the first ever episode of New Who and to be honest they were waaay dissapointing. Lacking menace or authority, even the Judoon who I absolutely love were sorely underused. (A 12" Judoon doll adorns my window sill) That said, they do declare war on the Daleks so maybe we might be treated to the full wrath of the Shadow Proclamation next week?

The Shadow Proclamation: Surprisingly well lit

Other victims of underuse due to the sheer amount of shit-going-on was Michael Brandon as General Sanchez. Exterminated too soon after giving Martha the Osterhagen(?) key, which, presumably is German for "Reset Button". No, I'm being cynical, the only things we've properly seen destroyed were the Valiant and New York, two things that don't really affect either Doctor Who or its spin-off shows so there may not be a need to reset everything by the end of this story. Speaking of New York and Daleks, it was refreshing to see them being ruthless bastards once again, after their disappointing appearance in last years Daleks in Manhattan. I mean they kill an 8 year old boy for goodness sake! On a family show! On a Saturday!

Presumably this is all down to their renewed strength courtesy of their creator Davros, played to perfection by the utterly sublime Julian Bleach, channeling original Davros Michael Wisher to chilling effect. Hopefully we'll get some proper confrontation between him and the Doctor next week, though I did love the Doctor's: "After everything that's happened, after all we've been through, I only have one thing to say to you; Byeee!"

Steven Hawking's really let himself go....too offensive?

So with the Doctor back in action and after some comical first impressions from Gwen about the Doctor ("He's a bit nice, thought he'd be older.") and Donna about Captain Jack things were set up for a heart warming reunion between the Doctor, his former companions and, of course Rose. But what's this coming round the corner? A Dalek? An extermination? The Doctor DYING? Not entirely sure about Captain Jack teleporting, gun raised and ready to kill the Dalek but what can you do? And then Russell T Davies pulls off, perhaps the greatest cliffhanger in Doctor Who history, by having the Doctor REGENERATE? Either this is the best kept secret in entertainment and we've got a new Doctor next Saturday or there's something else afoot. No matter what it's a bloody audacious move and a whole country must have just had a collective "Wha...tha...Fu?"

All in all, The Stolen Earth is the biggest, boldest opening episode of a season finale 2 parter ever. Whether or not Journeys End will live up to the promise is anyones guess but I hope to god it does as there's still a bitter taste in my mouth over the mistakes made in last years Last of the Timelords. Roll on Saturday!

In an episode as busy as this, I thought I'd just list the other things I quite liked about the ridiculously exciting opening episode:

• Bernard Cribbins continues to delight and entertain, lightening the tensest of scenes.
• "My vision is not impaired" another weakness of the Daleks solved.
• Ianto, lightening the tense scenes that Bernard Cribbins wasn't in.
• Billie Piper, back to her best after last weeks weak performance.
• Catherine Tate, her performance goes from strength to strength, just what is her fate?

The Geeky:

• Calufrax, one of the stolen planets from classic serial The Pirate Planet is mentioned.
• As is Klom from Series 2's Love and Monsters
• And the Doctor mentions a plan to move Earth from long ago, but it couldn't be the same perpetrators this time. Daleks in Dalek Invasion of Earth or Timelords in Trial of a Timelord?

So will next week open with James Nesbitt off to battle Davros? Which loyal companion will die? And is Harriet Jones seriously the Red Dalek? Can't wait to find out!