Pick 'n' Mix

No fixed topic this time, just a little look through the weeks events...

It's Smeato Time!

Oh, I appear to have posted a picture of the engineer John Smeaton, who, amongst other things, built the foundations for the London Bridge!

Anyway, why am I talking about Smeato? Well, he's been in the papers again (This is the baggage handler we're talking about now, though the money I'd pay to see a man in a powdered wig take on a terrorist....) the Mail have him linked to the incredible story of a nine year old boy who threw himself in the way of a knife wielding maniac who was attacking his mother. Smeato will be present when the boy picks up his award at the Sunday Mail Young Scot Awards. Apparently everyone's been calling young Nathan Thomas a "Little Smeato" that sounds to me like a bit of an insult. "Come here you little Smeato so I can boot your erse!"


John Smeaton has said that Nathan is something more than another Smeato. Damned right, this kid threw himself in front of his mother and got a knife in the face! Smeaton...well he kicked a man who was on fire. It's not as if he booted a suicide bomber out of a train. And apparently, according to reports he may not even have done that! Apparently "Eyewitnesses" are casting doubt on his involvement at Glasgow airport. Don't care either way, but I do think Smeaton playing William Wallace is just...well...crass?
You can see one "Scottish hero" playing the role of another here. Jesus.

"They may take our lives, but we'll just set aboot them"

In other news, young Shannon Matthews was found after being missing for 24 days holed up inside a bed. Good news, however the tabloids coverage couldn't resist the urge to link it to the McCanns. "Finding Shannon gives hope to the McCanns." Er...right, Shannon was missing for under a month, Madeline McCann's been missing for about 8 months now? And Shannon's parents clearly haven't killed her....did I just say that? I love the fact that because Matthews is from a working class background, the police and the papers are much quicker to jump on the dodgy background of the family.

And on the television, Gavin and Stacey return this week. Love this show, beautifully written characters, gentle but with little flashes of darkness and Rob Brydon doing what he does best. Can't wait.

Also this week, there's about 3 episodes of Torchwood. Wednesdays BBC2 episode From Out of The Rain is a ghost story written by PJ Hammond, and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure I enjoyed it. It just seemed to pass me by, there was flashes of brilliance, the manner of the deaths was pretty cool, but it was just a little bit too supernatural. Julian Bleach was fantastic though, very promising if he is playing Davros in the upcoming new series of Doctor Who, here he is:

Speaking of Torchwood, I met John Barrowman this afternoon. Nice guy but the crowd at the book signing comprised of some of the best looking women and some of the worst. That's the world of Doctor Who for you.

And finally, if you're a fan of classic BBC comedy, then I think BBC4's Curse of Comedy season should be cracking. It starts on Wednesday with Jason Isaacs (Next Doctor or next Bond, either way I'm more than happy) playing Harry H Corbett of Steptoe and Son then continues with Ken Stott (When oh when will he be in Doctor Who?) as Tony Hancock, and David Walliams as Frankie Howard.

Hopefully the next time I type, we'll all know when Doctor Who is coming back.

Facebook, Listen and Learn

Remember the days before social networking websites? Those happy days when it was perfectly excusable to avoid those people you never really got on with at school because, hey, you're not gonna see them again are you? The days when people could pretty much do without sticking "is at a loose end." after their name. Or when people didn't try and evangelically enforce film quizzes and other such useless "apps" on you? Yeah, it was a simpler time really. But the Facebook generation is constantly becoming that bit more and more ridiculous.

Yay Facebook! ZOMG!

Very recently, two friends of mine split up with their girlfriends. All very sad, but the manner in which I found out was absolutely hilarious. 'I see [names removed] have split up.' 'Really? How, what happened?' 'I don't know but his relationship status on Facebook is now single and the other half thing on Bebo is gone.' Aaaah, of course. I think what made it more hilarious was the fact that we here in Aberdeen got a text from a friend in Glasgow asking what we knew about the break up because he had read about it on Facebook. Truly a wonderful age. So where does it end? It's interesting that people will now go on to a social networking site almost the moment their relationship breaks up, changing their status to single and putting a "is feeling crap" after their name in an effort to...well an effort to what? Inform their friends? Make the ex feel bad? God only knows, but where is it going to end? Are we soon going to get people changing their status on Facebook when they receive some terrible news? Mark Donaldson has been diagnosed with Lupus for example. Are we going to get to a stage that parents will use social networking when something bad happens? Mark Donaldson has been killed in a car accident, funeral takes place next Thursday? Growing up in the late 80s and 90s I expected 2008 to herald flying cars, cool robots or making contact with aliens, instead we seem to just have a quicker way to find out when the girl or boy we've been after has become single. God bless technology.

This week: Is Sport Relief so don't expect me to be bigging up any of Fridays TV, this week has also seen me be accused of having an affair, debating sex with Kirstie Allsopp, avoiding writing 6,000 words for courses I don't understand, and preparing to be disappointed by Romero's new movie. Mark has also been shocked by the decision to change Doctor Who's United Nations Intelligence Taskforce to the Unified Intelligence Taskforce. What's the Brigadier gonna think?

The Difficult Second Album

Jerry Seinfeld dressed as Elvis, and "The Death of Rwanda" talk about mixed tones

If the rumours are to be believed; this man could very well be coming back to our screens with a new project at NBC. But how do you follow something as big as Seinfeld? Larry David managed it beautifully with the magnificent Curb Your Enthusiasm and it's that show that Jason Alexander and Julia Louis Dreyfuss have done their best work, neither being able to hit the comedy heights they reached with Seinfeld in their own sitcoms. So can Jerry manage it? I certainly hope so, I love the guy, I even risked being put on a register by turning up to see his kids film Bee Movie in the middle of the afternoon. So best of luck Seinfeld, don't let us down.

Two other big stars who have recently embarked on new projects are Peter Krause and Kelsey Grammer.

Krause was really the main star of the fantastic funeral director drama Six Feet Under (although he also plays Jim Carey's boss in The Truman Show!) and Dirty Sexy Money is really his first drama show since the beautiful season finale. and it's pretty good. Of course, from the opening scenes, I did worry that Krause is carving out a market in playing the man who doesn't want to be like his father but ends up doing his job. But Nick (his character in this.) is a lot more grounded than Nate Fisher, he is a happily married lawyer (Presumably setting up a dramatic fall from grace.) and does a lot of charity work but is seduced into working for the extremely rich family his father spent his life working for, covering up for them etc. The family themselves have a dark secret that we discover at the close of episode 1, forming the driving force of the series; one of them may just very well have killed Nick's dad. It's delightfully trashy, and hugely entertaining and has Donald Sutherland as the patriarch of the family, the scenes between him and Krause are excellent. Dirty Sexy Money hits Channel 4 quite soon, by which time I hope to have watched it all!

I bigged up Frasier last week, and rightfully so, and its star Kelsey Grammer is finally back on TV in Fox's new sitcom Back To You. Grammer plays Chuck Darling, a former local news anchor who has to return to the network that made him a star after a meltdown live on air. This sort of plot could be done in the non-laughter track, meta-tv style of The Office, Curb Your Enthusiasm or Extras or any number of pretenders to the throne of Gervais and David. Thankfully, the script doesn't allow it, this is traditional live studio audience stuff and is actually very very funny. The supporting characters are all excellent, (especially the fantastic Fred
Willard as sports anchor.) and the running will they-wont they? plot between Chuck and co-anchor Kelly is actually engaging much like early Niles and Daphne. It's really refreshing to have a traditional sitcom back on our screens, which doesn't mind a laughter track (Something new BBC sitcom Empty is sorely lacking.) and equally refreshing to have one that's genuinely funny. I leave you with a picture of the legend that is Mr Fred Willard. See ya real soon, ya'll come back now, ya hear?

Spin City

I've been watching a lot of Frasier recently, on account of having a lot of work to avoid and having the Paramount Comedy Channel in my room. Now, Frasier is perhaps the single greatest example of a spin-off; a completely different sort of show from Cheers, and running for the same time, it is a show that you can enjoy without ever seeing the original show from which it was er...spun(?) A shame then, that the most recent examples of the spin-off haven't quite learned this lesson; The Green Green Grass relies mainly on the fact you're only watching it because you want to see characters from the perrenial classic Only Fools and Horses. I can't think of one person who would watch it for any other reason. The CSI franchise depends more on the fact that people want to see the same grisly murders and forensic investigation in a variety of different locations, fair enough I suppose.

A desire to see favourite characters and the 'same thing, different place' are the problems that Life on Mars 'sequel', spin-off, Ashes to Ashes certainly suffers from.Say what you like about it's ending, but Life on Mars was a fresh, original take on the cop show. It gave us Gene Hunt, and a Camberwick Green episode about a nonce bashing. Then, unlike most shows these days, it knew when to wrap things up and answer our questions. Only it didn't, fair enough we knew that all of it took place in Sam's head, but they didn't let it lie. The BBC demanded more Gene Genie; and after a presumably short tone meeting they went: "Gene Hunt in the 80s?" and lo, we have Ashes to Ashes. Now, shows like 24 and Lost have annoyed me in the past, but I stick with them because I want to find out what the hell is going on. I have no such compulsion with Ashes, don't get me wrong, I fancy Keeley Hawes and I love Gene Hunt, but that isn't enough is it? We know exactly what's happened, she's in a coma and has taken Sam's characters into her consciousness...and Alex Drake doesn't let us forget it, constantly referring to everyone as constructs. If she knows what's going on, and we know what's going on, then where the hell is the entertainment? Oh, right, shallow "I Heart 1980's" style references to pop culture. According to Matthew Graham, there are answers about Gene Hunt, but surely the whole 'I read Sam's report and have taken those characters into my consciousness.' is answer enough?

"He came and went" F-nar F-nar

Remember this? Ah those heady early days of "Adult" spin-off Torchwood with it's "Nymphomaniacs from Space!" plotlines and casual but really forced use of the F-word. It's got better this year, but it's still not without its problems. Consistancy is certainly one of them, we only seem to be getting about 2 episodes in a row that are actually any cop. And I am starting to like and care about the characters, especially after this weeks Owen-centric episode, so I would probably watch it if it wasn't a spin-off from my beloved Doctor Who.

So what have we learned? That the spin-off relies on the familiarity with an aspect of it as a hook, but should really present you with something a bit different at the same time. This is of course hardly fresh and new insight, but the fact that Cleveland from Family Guy is said to be getting his own show, suggests that maybe TV Land needs a refresher course in spin-offs.

Blokey Dokey

Men eh? We're never happier than when we're drinking beer, looking at breasts and scratching ourselves in front of the television. This may indeed be the case, but I also enjoy other things, musicals, soap operas, and I have to admit I've shed a tear or two at some emotional moments in film and telly. However, it's good to be in touch with your masculine side every now and again, so thank god for John Rambo!

That's right, Stallone continues his one-man mission to make sequels to his biggest films (Stop! Or My Mom'll Shoot 2 is said to be in the pipeline.) with the fourth Rambo film. And it's a beauty! Moving to the Burmese jungle, and opening with some fairly disturbing footage of the Burmese civil war, the film does appear to have a serious message buried underneath all the deliriously over-the-top action sequences. I've always advocated First Blood as a genuinely brilliant film, and Rambo returns to the theme of countries turning their back on the men they train to kill. Stallone said that he wanted to up his game in the wake of films like Saving Private Ryan and by god he does it, with some severely bloody and in a couple of cases, distressing scenes. One scene features children being bayoneted, whilst the film climaxes with a massive action sequence which sees Rambo cut a guys head off, gut another man and use a massive gattling gun. It's an interesting shift in tone, but I suppose the bayoneting is there to show just how brutal the Burmese are. Still, it is Rambo so maybe we shouldn't look at it in depth, but you feel helluva manly on your way out the cinema, I had to go for a couple of pints afterwards...cos I'm a man ken?

Another thing caught my eye this Sunday, which blurs the boundaries between what men and women are supposed to enjoy. Traditionally, women love the Jeremy Kyle's and Ricki Lake's of this world, but The Steve Wilkos Show is bizarre. Wilkos is an ex-marine and bodyguard from Jerry Springers show, and now has his own show where he doles out advice or in the case of Sundays episode, confronts a paedophile...on stage...for 45 minutes. It's like they've given Vic Mackey from The Shield his own chat show...I mean just look at him!

Throughout the paedophile episode, he threatened to knock the guy on his ass, take a baseball bat to him, and forcibly remove his sunglasses. It was awesome. I'm awaiting an episode where he locks a warring couple in an old shipping container overnight to see if they sort things out or kill each other.

Quick word on the Oscars, and I was very happy to see No Country beat Atonement, because quite frankly, I'm sick to fucking death hearing about it. And Daniel Day Lewis is another very worthy winner. I was interested to see Eddie Murphy comedy Norbit get nominated for Best Make-Up.

And, talking about blokes, there was a lot of them at the climax of Primeval series 2. Well, a lot of one bloke, which makes the wait until next series all the more agonising, especially when I have uninspiring pap like Torchwood and Ashes to Ashes. But more on them next time.

Happy Valentines Day!

Isn't that gonna chip a tooth?

Love Is...advertising for sex on a toilet wall

Today is the day where couples are forced to be romantic whilst the rest of us wallow in depression over how we're all gonna be alone for the rest of our lives. But no matter how long I'm single, I can be safe in the knowledge that I will never advertise for sex on a public toilet wall. Some recent favourites of mine have been:

Married couple wanted, 7-8" cock, no weirdos, mine is only a 4".

Now, first and foremost, at what stage in a marriage does a couple decide they need a 4" cock to spice up their marriage? And second of all, "no weirdos"? I think, by advertising on the wall of a toilet cubicle, you're going to have to deal with your fair share of weirdos. Something this next one is more than happy with...

I am from Gorebridge and I love strange cock! Call [...]

There's not much I can really say to that, presumably Gorebridge (Just outside of Edinburgh) can be quite lacking in the strange cock department.

Love Is...Freema Agyeman being back on the telly

Last night saw Torchwood return to the quality of the opening first two episodes and then some. The first story, focusing on an alien with the power to create memories was a great character piece for the whole team, shedding a bit of light on Captain Jack's past and adding a little bit to the 'I found Gray' arc. Not only that but they managed to make old Zippy (Owen) likeable after 18 episodes. Martha Jones returned to our screens in the following episode in a story about Jim Robinson from Neighbours curing the worlds ills by exploiting aliens, much like the old Torchwood from the end of Doctor Who series 2. Freema shone, as a much more grown up version of Martha who's going to have to stick around a little bit longer after the shocking events of the last couple of minutes. Great stuff and I just hope they can keep it up.

Love Is...Masterchef

By far the most watchable cookery show (Kitchen Nightmares is in a league of its own), Masterchef reaches it's last quarter final this week, before moving on to next weeks semis. It's all rather exciting, can't decide whether to root for the girl who cooks raher complicated, some might say pretentious dishes because I fancy her, or the female police officer who actually made Gregg Wallace cry.

So Happy Valentines Day, I'm spending it alone...hand me those phone numbers will you?

Krondas Ins Kino

Many people would complain that cinema has lost it's mind because films like Meet The Spartans reach Number 1 in the U.S box office. This is not cinemas fault, this is the fault of the sort of idiots that go to the cinema to see any old shite, this makes money, big studios realise they really can polish a turd, and a horrific never ending cycle of piss-poor spoofs continue. Thankfully, there have been some fantastic films in the opening months of 2008, and then there have been some interesting ideas that failed to truly entertain, such as:

Cloverfield
Or "How Mark realised that after 4 years of Lost he really should have learned his fucking lesson by now."

I was looking forward to Cloverfield, I knew Abrams penchant for disappointing the hell out of people and leaving them hanging, but that trailer was freakin' awesome. Of course, the scene from the trailer and the absolutely fantastic, slightly Half Lifey tunnel sequence are really the only stand out, balls to the wall enjoyable scenes. Much like Lost, the victims of this particular disaster are all terribly good looking and (barring one unexplained explosion) do not suffer any disfigurements in the course of the film. As for the shaky handheld camera action, it gets old...it gets old very very quickly, and then you start feeling genuinely sick. And I'm not convinced the monster is not explained because it's from the perspective of normal folk. I have a funny feeling such things were left open for the sequel. So yes, very disappointing, nauseatingly so.

Next up is the best film I've seen this year. (Alright it's early days yet but I see a lot of films right? Get off my case yeah?) No Country For Old Men

I'm going to attempt to talk about the brilliant No Country without using the phrase "Blistering Return to Form". After an ill-advised remake of the splendid Ladykillers and, in my opinion, under-rated screwball comedy in the form of Intolerable Cruelty it was clear the Coen's had fallen slightly, ever so slightly from favour. Good job then that their latest film is a mature, bloody and brilliant film which is about more than just a drug deal gone wrong and a man on the run with a lot of money. Tommy Lee Jones is the true star of the film and shines, especially in the surprisingly abrupt ending. Good old fashioned grown up entertainment.

Juno now and I have to admit, I was worried. The opening scene with our protagonist swigging Sunny D and looking at discarded lawn furniture, ("The most awesome discarded living room set I have ever seen" Oh yes, very quirky very "random") who promptly steps into one of those nauseating Orange ads, all crayon drawings and a quirky sugary soundtrack. I was very worried, dear reader. Thankfully, once this title sequence was over, and there's a wonderful cameo from the American Office's Rainn Wilson and I was in. And I thoroughly thoroughly enjoyed the film, great cast, wonderful script, and even a mildly creepy relationship between 16 year old Juno and the man adopting her child. (played by the amazing Jason Bateman.) Allison Janney and Michael Cera do wonderful jobs at playing slightly different versions of their well known roles CJ Cregg and George Michael Bluth. A lovely, sweet film, just a shame it has a soundtrack so sugary that it puts the film in serious danger of giving you toothace, or at the very least a stomach ache usually resulting from over-indulging on the Pick and Mix.

A final mention goes to Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman playing Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman (is it now a contractual obligation that Freeman has to narrate every film he's in?) in The Bucket List. It's a thoroughly enjoyable 90 minute film about how short life is, as the boys gets busy living (sorry) before the inevitable. For reasons that become clear at the end of the film, the voiceover is perhaps unneccesary and a tad heavy handed, but it's funny, and it is always good to see Jack in action.

So there you have it, I'm off to Cineworld to see any film in the hope of catching the Doctor Who Series 4 trailer. Juno what I mean? (Been dying to get that pun in here somewhere.)