"I'm waving at fat!"

The Doctor is also "devastated" by the Torchwood finale

He's back! David Tennant was on fine form as the Doctor in the opening episode of the new series of Doctor Who entitled Partners In Crime. He had some wonderful scenes, the silent reunion with Donna being a highlight, but one of my favourite moments was when he begins explaining the Adipose necklace only to look up and remember the TARDIS is empty. Awwww, bless his heart, he needs a mate.

You aint mating with her sunshine! Fine by me

She's back! Catherine Tate reprises her role as Donna, and she was excellent. Most of the laughs in the silent reunion scene were down to her wonderfully over the top miming. She handled the serious scenes brilliantly as well, her relationship with her grandfather (played by Bernard Cribbins) is probably the best familial relationship of this new family orientated Who.

But what of the plot? Fairly run of the mill Doctor Who series premiere stuff really. Lots of running around, an exciting lift sequence, over-use of the sonic screwdriver. The fact this is a light season opener, the social commentary about diet pills seemed a little under-developed. Still, it was good fun, and once you realised that the Adipose monsters weren't actually villains, their cutesy look worked fine. After all, they aren't the evil Spidery children the Doctor killed at Christmas, these are innocent kids, fair enough the manner of their birth kills people, (In a fashion that wasn't nearly as gruesome as it could have been...damn you 6:20 timeslot!) but that's more the fault of the sinister Miss Foster.

Look, seriously, Doctor Who is a legitimate grown up entertainment show okay?

Foster was played by a not too bad Sarah Lancashire, not quite as menacing as she probably should have been, and the bit where she was beamed up was quite frankly laughable. Still, it was entertaining enough, and the "friend" dynamic between The Doctor and Donna is so refreshing, and I think it's going to be a fun 13 weeks in the company of these two.

Unlike previous series, Rusty hasn't crowbarred an "arc-word" into the episodes. This series he says that an element from each of the episodes will be brought forward to the season finale. And this episodes element featured a character we haven't seen for a while interacting with Donna. The room I was in erupted, primarily because we didn't expect them so soon!

Next week: The Doctor and Donna visit Pompeii on Volcano Day, will they alert the locals of their impending fate? Will Davros show up? Will the BBC stick it on at a decent hour? And is it seriously going to be flanked in the schedules by two John Barrowman shows?

The Doctor: Its a new show where John Barrowman pits kids against adults!
Donna: Isn't that Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old?

Oh, quick notes about last nights Torchwood season finale. Whilst being very dramatic and emotional, with the deaths of no less than two of the regular characters, the plot and supporting cast didn't really seem to warrant such a crushing blow.

Eastenders should fucking sue

The evil brother gambit is such a tired television cliche, 24's critically derided sixth season featured one, and in last years Who finale, the Doctor shakes off Martha's suspicion that the Master is his brother with "You've been watching too much television..." So why, pray tell, did Upper Boat decide to give us one in Torchwood? And, why, pray tell did they hire such an absolutely atrocious actor to play him? He just didn't seem threatening in the slightest, making his devastating actions against Cardiff and the Torchwood Hub a little "meh". And James Marsters! He acted Barrowman, Myles, and the guy playing Gray right out of the park and would've been the best thing in it if it wasn't for the fantastic performances by Burn Gorman and Naoko Mori.

There, Torchwood's over until next year, and now we have some proper Who-niverse based entertainment!

Gord Almighty!

Hells Kitchen is back! And, much like the U.S version of Kitchen Nightmares, the U.S version of Gordon Ramsay's bastard child of The Apprentice and Masterchef is much more over the top and ridiculous than it's UK counterpart.

Think he's on his way to a cooking competition?

There's the melodramatic music, close-ups, whooshing cameras etc, and the people...my god the people. 16 contestants begin the show, including Craig, pictured above who entered Ramsays kitchen with this comedy chefs hat. This obviously prompted Ramsay to question the size of Craig's genitalia. (As a sidenote; what the hell is Ramsays obsession with bollocks, cock size and the like? It's starting to trouble me...)

My favourite so far is Bobby, who claims to be a "Black Gordon Ramsay" judging by the first shows performance, he's anything but. Thankfully he's been given the chance to prove himself after a disasterous first show.

But hang on, who's this interesting looking contestant? Hmm...I'd never guess, and I find it really bloody hard to believe that noone on the coach noticed that it was blatantly Ramsay in a funny wig and some glasses. Ramsay unmasked himself after a round of perhaps the worst Gordon Ramsay impressions I've ever heard, in a low-rent Scooby Doo style moment.

And he would've got away with it if it wasn't for those pesky kids....

After the unmasking, the contestants had to cook their signature dishes for Chef Ramsay in scenes reminiscent of Masterchef if, of course Gregg Wallace and John Torode vomited everywhere and called the contestants "cunts".

The Contractually Obliged Gordon Ramsay Vomiting Scene

I often wonder if the production company tell these people to cook the worst possible meals, in an attempt to just rile Gordon. I mean how else do you explain this abortion?

There's practically a whole pig stuffed into there....seriously.

Then it's on to running a professional kitchen, which they fail miserably, then one of them gets fired. Sorry...evicted....no, wait that's not right...has to hand in their jacket. Hand in their jacket? Hardly the catchiest of booting off catchphrases is it? Anyway, Dominic had to hand in his jacket this week. Though, judging by the way in which his exit was shot, it tends to suggest he'd been killed (possibly by Ramsay) and was now going to a better place.

Walk toward the light Dominic...

It's not a patch on Nightmares or The Apprentice but it fills a Ramsay shaped void in the UK schedules, and a void in my downloading until the returns of House and Lost at the end of the month.

My Beautiful Laundrette

David Tennant is definitely doing the Christmas Special. So you can knock all this "Exterminated by Daleks" talk on the head right now y'hear?

Anyways...let's take a break from talking Who and focus on last nights Apprentice!

Sir Alan set the teams the task of running a laundrette and we had some very early contenders for the best moments of Series 4.

First of all we had this absolute lunatic thinking it was a good idea to charge £4.99 per item. Now, faithful reader, this essentially means she was charging someone practically a fiver to wash a pillow case. Good een. Of course, their pitch to the manager of a large hotel failed miserably...but the fact they offered to do his laundry for five grand with a straight face was incredible. Not only was that incredible but the sheer fucking cheek of asking customers for tips did not impress Sir Alan.

Sir Al was also unimpressed by the idea of a laundry helpline, prompting him to utter perhaps my favourite ever line in Apprentice history: "Hello girls, how are my pants doing?"

Also, said lunatic is marking herself out as the villain of this series with her treatment of Lucinda, who I don't like in the slightest but there are ways of talking to people, know what I mean you cunt?

The boys did really bloody well last night, and I was expecting them to trip up and shatter the wonderful male bonding that was going on...but they didn't. And they're all mates, for now that is.

Sir Alan's Much Maligned Wanking Task

The class struggle of last week was a distant memory, as Raef (Definitely my favourite right now.) led the Team to victory and a private room at the Ritz. It was great to see Michael (Second favourite, primarily for his "I've worked with laundry machinery.....in Bosnia.") talk so highly of Raef but will they all be speaking so well of each other next week when, as far as I can gather, they have to run a Wetherspoons?

Michael: He's washed pants in a warzone...what the fuck have you done with your life?

Who-odles more information

3 Days!

With 3 days still to get through, let's all sit down and think about what we've learned.

Reports are filtering in from Tuesdays press-launch, suggesting that a certain kebab shop owner/Dalek creator might well be returning. A special trailer for the audience showed all the companions we already knew were coming back (including former PM Harriet Jones! Intriguing...) and a shadow of something described as half human/half Dalek. Taxi for a Mr Dave Ross!

Budget cuts hit new series of Doctor Who

Nicest man in the world David Tennant has also apparently told Simon Mayo that he'd do a Series 5. No complaints here.

Catherine Tate has stated unequiovcally that Donna does not "love" the Doctor, she doesn't want to go out with an alien. Thank fuck for that.

The new Radio Times treated us to the remaining episode titles, barring the penultimate one, which is presumably too spoilerish and does not, repeat does not feature any words beginning with 'D'.

Episode 6, written by Steven Greenhorn is indeed called The Doctor's Daughter. Make of that what you will.

And hey, seeing as they kick off filming of the Christmas Special next week, rumour has it it's gonna have Cybermen, Victorian London, and...er...Amy Winehouse. Think that last one was an April Fool.

With the press embargo lifted, much clips and promotional pictures have been doing the rounds, including some first peeks at this weeks villains, the Adipose...but I don't want to incur any slagging from certain non-we friends of mine. So how about the couple that's going to be keeping us entertained for the next few weeks?

Bumming

'Prentice-Hancock

Not Him

No, not Commander Salamar from classic Tom Baker serial The Planet of Evil. I'm talking about last nights telly, in particular The Apprentice (BBC1) and Hancock and Joan (BBC4)

The Apprentice kicked off in brilliant style with some wonderfully ridiculous hyperbole from the candidates. One of my favourites so far is Raef who claims that "the spoken word is my tool." and that he can "get on with both Prince and Pauper".

There was a serious class divide last night, between cunty barrister Nicholas De-Lacy Brown and Alex. Both of them were total twunts, but that's the appeal of The Apprentice innit? Nicholas was fired after a mix up with some lobsters and Raef lives to fight another day.

The guy I most want to win however, might just be Kevin. This is primarily because he looks a little bit like Matt Lucas dressed as Jamie Oliver. I hope he wins so that once S'r'Al gives him the job, he strips off his suit to reveal a hilarious fat suit complete with comedy tits and a comedy vagina, sits on Sir Al's knee and tells him to "Call me Bubbles..."

Out of the girls, noone is particularly standing out as a potential winner or anyone to root for. There is the best salesperson in Europe...[/hyperbole] Irish Jenny who whilst being quite sexy does have a slightly larger gap between her eyes than is surely healthy. She also claims on The Apprentice wesbsite that she can sell a sheet of paper for £50, dunno about you but at £50 I'd be expecting a little bit more than "paper" if you know what I mean.

Looking for (stationary) business darling?

Lucinda, the beret wearing, soft talking potential nutcase should give us some entertainment in the weeks to come. Sir Alan was on fine form in the Boardroom, and it's shaping up to be another cracking series.

BBC4 continued their Curse of Comedy season with Hancock and Joan starring the brilliant Ken Stott as Tony Hancock. Although he doesn't really look like Hancock, and although at certain points in the film his voice wavered a little and that Edinburgh accent of his slipped through, you could just about believe he was Hancock. Certainly in some of his mannerisms, and in certain bits of dialogue. Sadly, as a fan of Hancock and as a fan of Ken Stott I didn't enjoy it as much as I enjoyed the previous weeks Steptoe drama. Perhaps I struggled to believe Stott as Hancock primarily because I'd watched a lot of the two of them recently in DVDs of Rebus and Hancock's Half Hour. Still, it was a good drama, barring the odd ending and Stott was a much more believable Hancock than Alex Jennings was as Dads Army star and friend of Hancock; John LeMesurier, whose wife Hancock had an affair with. First of all, they look nothing like each other, and unlike Stott who adopted the mannerisms and for the most part the accent, Jennings just played LeMesurier as Prince Charles! I think his presence is what really detracted from the drama of the piece, you're really supposed to feel sorry for John, who acts like a complete gentleman whilst knowing his wife is sleeping with his best friend, but Jennings was too flat, and not three dimensional enough to illicit any kind of sympathy.
So there we go, last nights television poked, prodded and analysed by someone waiting for a Megabus. Doctor who returns at the earlier time of 6:20 on the 5th April so imagine this place to be Doctor who and Apprentice central for the next 13 weeks!

Happy times and places!

He's Back...and it's about time too

Auditions for David Tennant's replacement get underway

Yep, that's right, Alan Sugar is back! (You thought I was gonna talk Doctor Who series 4 didn't you? Well I will in a minute.) Brand new series of The Apprentice kicks off at 9 on Wednesday and I cannot wait! I think last year marked the first time I sat down and watched the whole series from the start, and boy howdy (Did I seriously just use the phrase boy howdy?) it was exciting, still can't believe Simon won, and no doubt he'll make an appearance this series, unless he ended up in a stationary cupboard rocking back and forth in his own piss soon after starting work for Sir Alan. So what to expect this series? Another Katie Hopkins? Another Rory? Altogether now: "I am Yorboss"

Oh alright, you twisted my arm, let's talk Who. Series 4 begins 5th April, the day after the Torchwood season finale and a no doubt memorable appearance on Jonathan Ross by David Tennant and Catherine Tate.

Keep back! Or she'll do 30 minutes of "Am I Bovvered?"

So what to expect this time round? I'm gonna go all out and say; pretty much the same as bloody always! Knockabout opening episode, historical episode, old enemy from the shows past, an "emotional" episode, a famous historical figure, one with very little Tennant "action" and another old enemy in the finale. Granted it's bloody worked wonders for the past 3 years but I think next year should give the production team breathing space to maybe figure out a new format for 2010's series 5. But that's ages away! There's still 13 episodes before the Doctor buggers off into the TARDIS and pops in to see us at regular intervals next year, so what's lined up?

Billie's Back!

But presumably she wont be getting up to any of this nonsense, this aint Torchwood y'know! Rose comes back in episode 11 for no doubt an epic finale which by the looks of things (and a cheeky little teaser trail) will feature Daleks! So if Rose, Captain Jack et al and the Daleks aren't a secret, then what is? Cough. Davros. Cough.

Something happens to "change" the Doctor

Stephen Greenhorn has said his episode (That's episode 6 fact fans) involves something that's going to change the Doctor. Exactly what that is we're not exactly sure, but rumours abound that it involves this woman claiming to be the Doctor's daughter! The cheek! Hang on! That is the Doctor's daughter!
The Doctor's son is also playing a role this series, as David Troughton (Son of Patrick)marks his third(?) appearance in the show in episode 12; Midnight of which not much is known.

The Sontarans Are Back!

Last seen in the horrible, ultimately pointless multi-Doctor story (It's not an anniversary year! You can't go doing multi-Doctor stories willy-nilly!) The Two Doctors, the Sontarans return to take on the Doctor, Donna and a returning Martha (Hooray! You wont catch her whoring herself in some low rent rubbish on ITV2, just on some low rent rubbish on BBC2 instead. Just kidding Freema, I loved you in Torchwood.) Of course, their return is written by Helen Raynor who kinda fudged the Daleks last series, will she do the same to the Sontarans? I bloody hope not.

The Doctor meets Agatha Christie! And goes to Pompei!

Our celebrity historical this season takes place much later than usual, as the Doctor and Donna meet Agatha Christie in a Donald Cotton style comedy episode....hooray. Much less comical will be James Moran's The Fires of Pompei in which the Doctor and Donna travel back to the day of the eruption and have to decide whether or not to let them know of their impending fate. I'm running odds on Tennant saying the line "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." at 1/1.

Steven Moffat's writing a 2 parter!

The best writer on the show is writing a two part episode involving some sort of space library and no doubt monsters that will reduce the kiddies into shuddering wrecks. Expect him to be called the new Robert Holmes or the new showrunner at least once...unless, horror of horrors he drops the ball.

So there it is, a few things to get excited about this season, and seeing as you can't really get excited about Steven Moffats big face, or indeed Catherine Tate, and seeing as Torchwood's still on TV, here's a picture of Eve Myles to end with.

Any excuse really...

Touchwood

Doctor Who returns on the 5th April! Huzzah! More on that next week, but before the Doctor is reunited with Donna, Captain Jack has his hands full...or is that Ianto?

Yes Torchwood was back to its old tricks in Adrift a rather slower paced more emotional episode focusing on Gwens attempts to track down people who have gone missing in the rift. Some really good moments, Robert Pugh as the older version of a missing teenager was nothing short of brilliant, and Ruth "would I or wouldn't I?" Jones was great as his mother. The rest of the cast were pretty dire, and that handjob was unforgivable. Yes, for as Gwen walked in on Ianto and Jack getting off with each other, and Ianto pulled away his hand! Once again it's guilty of completely unneccesary "adult" moments, presumably to lighten the tone, but instead undermined what was a touching and emotional episode.

The Hand(Job) Of Fear

Thank god then for the next episode Fragments, a flashback heavy episode owing much to shows like Buffy, Primeval and, most obviously Lost. The team are caught in an explosion, caused by some sort of flashback bomb, seeing as it results in Jack, Tosh, Owen and Inaton remembering how they came to be employed by Torchwood. So we get Captain Jack in Victorian England with some mean sideburns, doing his best Angel impression, before flashing ahead to 1999 where some guy kills the whole of Jacks team for no real reason other than he wants to save them from whats coming. However we're still not sure what that is. Toshiko gets arrested by UNIT who really seem to have lost their sense of humour since 9/11 sticking people in red jumpsuits in some heavy handed Guantanamo allegory...well blatant signposted reference. Still no mention of her bumping into the 9th Doctor though! Then the weakest flashback being Jack and Ianto hunting down a pterodactyl in a gayed up Primeval rip-off. Owen gets the best one though, and Burn Gorman continues to cement himself as my favourite British actor, not bad for someone I hated around this time last year. Telling the story of a happy Owen preparing to get married to a woman with a problem with her brain, that problem being something that looked like a left-over Dalek mutant stuck to her brain. She dies, and we finally understand why Owen was such a terrible cunt last season. But who the hell left these bombs for our beloved Torchwood? Hang on...it's...no it can't be....it's Spike! So we get a massive showdown between Angel and Spike, sorry Captain Jack and Captain John on the 4th of April on BBC2. And rumour has it that not everyone's going to make it through the series finale alive.

"I'll get you Torchwood!" - Oh, wrong Spike...sorry