Gord Almighty!

Hells Kitchen is back! And, much like the U.S version of Kitchen Nightmares, the U.S version of Gordon Ramsay's bastard child of The Apprentice and Masterchef is much more over the top and ridiculous than it's UK counterpart.

Think he's on his way to a cooking competition?

There's the melodramatic music, close-ups, whooshing cameras etc, and the people...my god the people. 16 contestants begin the show, including Craig, pictured above who entered Ramsays kitchen with this comedy chefs hat. This obviously prompted Ramsay to question the size of Craig's genitalia. (As a sidenote; what the hell is Ramsays obsession with bollocks, cock size and the like? It's starting to trouble me...)

My favourite so far is Bobby, who claims to be a "Black Gordon Ramsay" judging by the first shows performance, he's anything but. Thankfully he's been given the chance to prove himself after a disasterous first show.

But hang on, who's this interesting looking contestant? Hmm...I'd never guess, and I find it really bloody hard to believe that noone on the coach noticed that it was blatantly Ramsay in a funny wig and some glasses. Ramsay unmasked himself after a round of perhaps the worst Gordon Ramsay impressions I've ever heard, in a low-rent Scooby Doo style moment.

And he would've got away with it if it wasn't for those pesky kids....

After the unmasking, the contestants had to cook their signature dishes for Chef Ramsay in scenes reminiscent of Masterchef if, of course Gregg Wallace and John Torode vomited everywhere and called the contestants "cunts".

The Contractually Obliged Gordon Ramsay Vomiting Scene

I often wonder if the production company tell these people to cook the worst possible meals, in an attempt to just rile Gordon. I mean how else do you explain this abortion?

There's practically a whole pig stuffed into there....seriously.

Then it's on to running a professional kitchen, which they fail miserably, then one of them gets fired. Sorry...evicted....no, wait that's not right...has to hand in their jacket. Hand in their jacket? Hardly the catchiest of booting off catchphrases is it? Anyway, Dominic had to hand in his jacket this week. Though, judging by the way in which his exit was shot, it tends to suggest he'd been killed (possibly by Ramsay) and was now going to a better place.

Walk toward the light Dominic...

It's not a patch on Nightmares or The Apprentice but it fills a Ramsay shaped void in the UK schedules, and a void in my downloading until the returns of House and Lost at the end of the month.