Saturday Night Sunday Morning

A friend of mine recently told me a story about someone they know who went clubbing on their own on a Saturday night. This struck me as immensely depressing, not for the image of a sole person dancing alone in the middle of an empty dancefloor...but because they felt they had to go clubbing on a Saturday night even if none of their friends wanted to. You see, maybe it's my premature old age, but I fucking hate Saturdays. No, wait, scratch that, I fucking hate going out on a Saturday night.

But wait, I hear you cry, we've worked damned hard all week and deserve a jolly good knees up at the end of it! Well that's all well and good but don't bring the rest of us students, sane and unemployed folk down with you. The main thing wrong with Saturday nights is the attitude that you have to be out on a Saturday night, "larging it" with your trendy neon jumpered, big letter T-shirted, asymettrical haircut, flip-flop wearing wanker friends. And if you're not out on a Saturday you're a sad old cunt who might as well slash their wrists now and get used to the fact that they're going to die alone. I argue that we're all going to die alone unless you're involved in a horrific plane or coach crash...surrounded by loved ones you may be, but you're the only one taking your final breath. But I'm straying from the point, this Saturday sees the return of a number of things that will make me more than happy to stay in whilst the rest of you risk losing an eye in a fight in the taxi queue.

So well done to ITV then for coming up with a cracker of a schedule, set to beat BBC1's "sound-a-like" competition hands down.

First up we have the welcome return of Harry Hill's TV Burp (6:30)
Hill's hilarious look at the weeks television should be on every week, and always guarantees at least one belly laugh. My main hope is that he doesn't adapt the ill-advised "What our celebrities are getting up to at Christmas" segment from the Christmas Day episode, which as far as I could fathom was unused footage from You've Been Framed (also involving Hill) featuring people with vague, very vague similarities to celebrities.

Next up we have "ITV's answer to Doctor Who" (A phrase that seemed to appear in every TV magazine feature on Primeval (7:00) as if it were some sort of law.) Cutter tries to get to the bottom of last seasons "Where's Claudia Brown?" cliffhanger, which if you look closer into it for more than a second, completely unravels. How exactly are they all still together if the uniting force that brought them all together in the first episode never existed? But to look at Primeval in depth completely misses the point and I'm very much looking forward to the next six episodes of silly prehistoric entertainment.

And then we have something that could either hit the comedy heights or miss the mark incredibly. Thank God You're Here (9:05) hosted by Paul Merton (Huzzah!) pits several "special guests" onto a stage with some costumes and has them improvise some sort of scenario. This could either be a horribly extended round of Whose Line Is It Anyway? or a complete rehash. Either way I'm quite interested to see how it all pans out.

So that's it, as you're all out at some dingy, sweaty nightclub pondering which pathetic preening caveman you're going to take home with you, I'll be watching Douglas Henshall possibly battling real cavemen, or one of Paul Merton's special guests improvising a caveman. So yeah...I win.