E!

Whilst Torchwood and Primeval both continue to excite and entertain, and even though Ross Kemp gets shot at on Monday, there's no real TV programmes I feel like writing a whole blog post about until the return of the Gene Genie in Ashes to Ashes next week. I would write about episode 4 of The Wire and it's absolutely shocking ending. ("Close your eyes [name removed for spoiler avoidance]) But I don't wanna spoil it. So I'm going to turn my hand to showbiz reporter! Oh yes, multi-skilled that's me!

The first and most shocking news story of the week was the death of actor Heath Ledger at the age of 28. Whilst not being a massive fan, I was momentarily stunned by the news. But I'm not going to write some sycophantic join the dots report like pretty much every single person with a laptop, internet connection or fucking newspaper column and talk about how great he was, or how sad it is that drugs have claimed the life of an actor, and how sad it is a 2 year old's lost her father. Mainly, because it'd be hypocritical, I don't really like his films. Brokeback Mountain was probably the only one I enjoyed, so it was of great shock to me to read this week that God himself didn't like it! Yes, those lovely Christians from Louis Theroux's The Most Hated Family in America will be picketing Ledger's funeral because of his portrayal of a gay cowboy. Apparently God thought Brokeback was "a sordid tacky bucket of slime, seasoned with vomit" I have heard however, that he thinks White Chicks is an "all round enjoyable romp." I think there's untapped potential in movie poster quotes from God Almighty. Anyway, Heath Ledger, very sad, Christian Idiots, The Joker, drug deaths, etc. Actually if we have a celebrity drug death (which still isn't confirmed in Ledgers case) could it be Amy Winehouse or Pete Doherty? That, coupled with God's opinions on movies appearing in a public forum would convert me to Christianity.

Just a quick cheap shot at the collapse of the sham marriage between Ashley Cole and Cheryl Tweedy...I find it interesting that they've broken up because he cheated on her with another woman, really not the way I foresaw that marriage ending.

And finally, I see Scarlett Johansson is doing an album of Tom Waits covers. I wonder if she'll do one of my favourite songs; Way Down In The Hole. I wouldn't mind being way down in her hole! Fnarr fnarr...I'll get my coat.

Krondas Kriticises Kemp

A good friend of mine came up with an idea for an hour-long episode of Eastenders where Albert Square is besieged by terrorists and Grant and Phil Mitchell must free their neighbours from this terrorist threat. I think it would be fantastic, unfortunately Ross Kemp doesn't seem to want to go back to the Square anytime soon. He's far more interested in becoming a documentary maker. And, well fair enough, because Ross Kemp On Gangs (Sky 1) was actually not that bad. The tone was mixed, certainly, but it was a worthwhile exercise and good old fashioned "lads television" both at the same time. His newest project; Ross Kemp in Afghanistan began this week on Sky 1, and is probably the closest we'll get to see Grant Mitchell fight terrorists.

Only, it's not. It's another worthwhile exercise, as he brings us closer to the war, and closer to the alarmingly young soldiers fighting it. The first episode follows the training exercises leading up to the deployment of the Royal Anglians to Afghanistan, allowing us to get to know the soldiers we'll be watching for the next few weeks.
Unfortunately it's let down by the title sequence and red button Ross Kemp extras which serve to portray the programme as a misjudged reality show. The strange 'nodding head' segments from Gangs are back, and still hamper the seriousness of the programme. For instance, an interview with an 18 year old about the fact it's likely he's going to have to kill a man.

It's also a long hour, and quite slow moving, and I'm not entirely sure Ross Kemp is able to carry the programme for the runtime. Still, it's an interesting programme, and the moment where genuine amputees are used in a training exercise is a troubling image, of which there are surely more to come. I think I'll stick with it for another week, to see how these soldiers we get to know fare in Afghanistan, and, indeed how Kemp himself gets on.

So well done to Ross, though I do wonder where he'll turn his eye to next. Gangs and Afghanistan appeal to a similar audience, but if Kemp is to really make a go of documentary making, he'll need to maybe branch out. Attenborough's last full series In Cold Blood begins in a couple of weeks, maybe he could take over from Sir Dave? Ross Kemp on Butterflies anyone?

Incidentally, I was looking for a picture for this blog and searched for "Ross Kemp Gurning" on Google Image Search, and it came up with two Madeleine McCann newspaper front pages, a picture of Ghandi, and a picture of Heidi Klum. Oh, and Nicola from Girls Aloud. I think this brings up questions over how exactly Google searches for the term you're looking for.

Until next time True Believers...

Torchwood You Believe It?

I'll come to the second series of Torchwood in a minute, but I first want to mention the sixth series of one of Torchwood's major influences; Angel. Of course the new series takes place in comic book form much like Buffy's 8th season. Unlike Buffy's 8th season however, I'm not entirely sure Angel was crying out to be continued. The final shot of season 5 was so ballsy that to continue it sort of undermines it. And so far, everyone seems to hate each other again, one of the main problems with series 3 and 4 of Angel. But I'm sticking with it because there are some brilliant touches, the ending of number 3 is a bloody gem, and I cannot wait to see how it all pans out. I just hope they can all eventually get along.

Another group of people that could've done with learning to get along with each other rather than getting it on with each other are the Torchwood team, returning this week on BBC2. The last series was, to borrow an overused phrase , a bit of a curates egg. Good in parts, the good bits constantly undermined by the forced adult scenes. Still the opening episode of Series 2 is fantastic, and not just because they've got Spike from Angel in it. Anyone crying out for slash episode involving Angel and Spike getting it on will have to make do with the (surprisingly well handled) gay kissing between Captain Jack and Spike. The scene with Ianto and Jack trying to organise a 'date' was almost cute. The team are getting on with each other! Gwen appears to have taken lessons from Elaine in Seinfeld in her shoving technique! And it looks as if they've taken some lessons from Heroes by adding minor cliffhanger endings (If episode one's "I found Grey" ending is anything to go by.) and it has Spike, who looks like he'll be back! I'll happily spend the 13 weeks until the Doctor returns with this group of people. Just hope they don't screw it up.

Nostalgic for the days of "Shilpa Fuckalya"

About this time last year, Channel 4 was in the process of sparking war with India or something. We all know what happened so I'm not going to go over the whole sorry mess again. (Jade Goody stupid misguided idiot, Danielle Lloyd big nasty racist with massive tits thus making everything okay.)

Of course, Celebrity Big Brother isn't on this year, but the way the cult of celebrity is going, should the programme return next year it's going to have one of the best cast lists yet. Here's my early predictions for the line-up to feature in the resurrected show next year.

Mark Speight: Last week, Speight's was the first celebrity scandal of the new year and my god wasn't it a cracker? When last year all we got was the "scandal" that some celebrities are racists just like everyone else, Speight went one better by being accused of murder and supplying Class-A drugs. Of course the murder charge has been dropped and it's now just a boring old "Childrens Presenter in Cocaine Binge SCANDAL". Expect him to be dropped from SMart and appear in the House next year.

And who's next into the House? Why it's loveable former copper from TV's The Bill; Jeff Stewart. Jeff was suspended a few months ago for criticising the show's staff for it's terrible storylines. I used to love the Bill as a kid, until it turned into the very weird soapy, "serial drama" hour-long episode format it has these days. I stopped watching around the time Sun Hill stalwart Jack Meadows fell in love with an ice-maiden lady Detective who was pregnant with the child of the Superintendent who just happened to be a big nasty rapist. To be honest I'm surprised it took him this long to complain. Anyway, in yet another shocking celebrity news story in what is still only the second week of 2008, Stewart was told his contract would not be renewed and promptly cut his wrists, winding him in hospital and either a job on Eastenders by the end of the year, or a stint in the Big Brother House.

My final prediction may be a controversial one, it's loveable, child murder and arson suspect Kenny Richey! Richey is now a bona-fide celebrity, paid millions by a number of papers for his story and bound to be a big item in the press for some time yet. By the time Celebrity Big Brother rolls around, his star will have faded and he'll need to raise his profile. After all, once you've been on Death Row, the Big Brother House will be like a walk in the park. He may even get some of that 'nookie' he's been after.

Actually, I've got another controversial prediction. With talk of making a documentary film about the search for Madeleine McCann, if she isn't found by 2009 maybe the McCanns could appear on Big Brother to remind everyone that a little girl's gone missing. Because we didn't know children go missing until they told us.

Saturday Night Sunday Morning

A friend of mine recently told me a story about someone they know who went clubbing on their own on a Saturday night. This struck me as immensely depressing, not for the image of a sole person dancing alone in the middle of an empty dancefloor...but because they felt they had to go clubbing on a Saturday night even if none of their friends wanted to. You see, maybe it's my premature old age, but I fucking hate Saturdays. No, wait, scratch that, I fucking hate going out on a Saturday night.

But wait, I hear you cry, we've worked damned hard all week and deserve a jolly good knees up at the end of it! Well that's all well and good but don't bring the rest of us students, sane and unemployed folk down with you. The main thing wrong with Saturday nights is the attitude that you have to be out on a Saturday night, "larging it" with your trendy neon jumpered, big letter T-shirted, asymettrical haircut, flip-flop wearing wanker friends. And if you're not out on a Saturday you're a sad old cunt who might as well slash their wrists now and get used to the fact that they're going to die alone. I argue that we're all going to die alone unless you're involved in a horrific plane or coach crash...surrounded by loved ones you may be, but you're the only one taking your final breath. But I'm straying from the point, this Saturday sees the return of a number of things that will make me more than happy to stay in whilst the rest of you risk losing an eye in a fight in the taxi queue.

So well done to ITV then for coming up with a cracker of a schedule, set to beat BBC1's "sound-a-like" competition hands down.

First up we have the welcome return of Harry Hill's TV Burp (6:30)
Hill's hilarious look at the weeks television should be on every week, and always guarantees at least one belly laugh. My main hope is that he doesn't adapt the ill-advised "What our celebrities are getting up to at Christmas" segment from the Christmas Day episode, which as far as I could fathom was unused footage from You've Been Framed (also involving Hill) featuring people with vague, very vague similarities to celebrities.

Next up we have "ITV's answer to Doctor Who" (A phrase that seemed to appear in every TV magazine feature on Primeval (7:00) as if it were some sort of law.) Cutter tries to get to the bottom of last seasons "Where's Claudia Brown?" cliffhanger, which if you look closer into it for more than a second, completely unravels. How exactly are they all still together if the uniting force that brought them all together in the first episode never existed? But to look at Primeval in depth completely misses the point and I'm very much looking forward to the next six episodes of silly prehistoric entertainment.

And then we have something that could either hit the comedy heights or miss the mark incredibly. Thank God You're Here (9:05) hosted by Paul Merton (Huzzah!) pits several "special guests" onto a stage with some costumes and has them improvise some sort of scenario. This could either be a horribly extended round of Whose Line Is It Anyway? or a complete rehash. Either way I'm quite interested to see how it all pans out.

So that's it, as you're all out at some dingy, sweaty nightclub pondering which pathetic preening caveman you're going to take home with you, I'll be watching Douglas Henshall possibly battling real cavemen, or one of Paul Merton's special guests improvising a caveman. So yeah...I win.