"Sorry to hear your beautiful 11 year old child has been shot in the head."

...lots of love, Alan Sugar xxx

This was, of course another exciting week in The Apprentice. Sir Alan set the teams the task of coming up with a new greetings card holiday, to be fair, this episode did just highlight the fact that Valentines Day is a load of old bollocks set up by card companies to make money. If only there was some sort of day celebrating being single? This was Raef's idea, and it seemed like a pretty good one, that is until someone asked the question "And who exactly would send the card?" Yes...well...quite. Not only that but they spent about 3 hours debating the position of an apostrophe for "Singles Day", I don't even think there is one.

Still, a slight oversight this may have been, but the Matt Lucas-esque Kevin and his team came up with the slightly bizarre idea of a drive to save the world...by knocking down trees to make cards and envelopes, pay for fuel to transport the fuckers around the country and add to the high amounts of wastage this country suffers from.

Yeah...that aint gonna work, and it's hardly what Sir Alan was looking for was it? Though I'm not entirely sure his Urban Dystopia greeting card ideas would have sold too many down Clintons either. Talking about Clintons, my favourite scene this week had to be when Kevin claimed Clintons were just as bad as Bush if they rejected his idea, that's how you sell an idea! It's actually a shame he got fired, next week is the bartering task and I'd quite like to see him go "If you don't give us this chicken for £1, you're just as bad as Hitler."

Yes, Kevin got fired. But he truly brought it on himself, bringing Sara into the boardroom with him. Ah Sara, she had a pretty rough time this week, her pets birthday idea was slammed by the evil evil Jenny in favour of her ridiculous green awareness idea, then she was accused of doing nothing! Thankfully Sir Alan saw through this playground bullying and sacked Kevin, for the obvious reason that he was team leader and seeing that the absolute moron with the bad idea wasn't in the boardroom he was completely utterly to blame. Of course, Alex, Jenny and Lee didn't see it this way and started laying into Sara on her return to the house, until Raef put a stop to it. "A decision has been made, this is reliving the boardroom and she doesn't need to answer these questions. It's disrespectful." what a stand up gent! In that situation I probably would've punched Alex squarely in his throat...and that would mainly be for his choice of hat. But poor Sara, I just wanted to give her a hug by the end of the episode. Hope she proves herself to these odious streaks of piss next week. And I was quite sad to see Lee McQueen show his dark side, but I'll let him off with it on the grounds of naieve belief that Alex and Jenny weren't making Sara into a scapegoat. So a dark ending to another entertaining episode, 'mon the Sara!

The many faces of Matt from Hells Kitchen

As series 4 of Hells Kitchen rambles on, the potential winners are beginning to emerge and they seem to be Bobby, Petrozza or Jen. The weasley faced, comical chef hat wearing Chris was booted off last week instead of the lumbering, waxy faced Matt who managed to make Ramsay vomit about ten minutes into the series. I presume Ramsays reason for keeping Matt was so that he could continue to pull his utterly ridiculous faces and whine like a little bitch.

He's almost like a melted Jim Carrey waxwork. So he's really pissing me off right now, pissing and moaning whenever noone answers him in the kitchen, presumably they're distracted by the face he's pulling. This weeks episode had the teams make a gourmet pizza, inspired by Ramsays 200 dollar white truffle pizza, which, to be honest, looked fucking ridiculous. This from a man who advocates "simple, rustic, local produce"?

Looks like something you'd find discarded on Union St on a Saturday night

And they finally completed a service! Only took them 5 bloody episodes! Another entertaining 40 minutes, but alas it's unlikely it'll compare to tonights Apprentice. Greetings card task!

"In the 70's....or was it the 80's?"

History has told us that the first 2-part story of a new series of Doctor Who usually breaks the run of pretty good episodes that precede it. Take the first series, we had the "Oh my god it's back!" break-neck excitement of Rose, then the grand spectacle of The End of the world and the beautifully written Victorian adventure The Unquiet Dead. New- is great! Surely they can do no wrong? Then we got Slitheen in Downing Street, fart gags and an overwhelming sense that perhaps this 21st century incarnation wasn't quite as invincible as we first imagined. The trend was repeated with Series 2's disappointing return for the classic Cybermen, rebooting them completely. And Series 3 gave us a rather disappointing adventure with the Daleks. So it was with a sense of trepidation that I sat down to watch Helen Raynor's (The writer of said Dalek story) The Sontaran Stratagem.

Thankfully my concerns were pretty much unfounded. Although it's hard to determine exactly how good a 2-parter is until its conclusion, the opening episode, although slower than the fast paced episodes that preceded it, it builds the suspense nicely for an exciting conclusion. Anyhoo,
let's talk about the episode. It was great to have Freema back, and her scenes with the Doctor and Donna were wonderfully written and acted. As a fan of the classic series UNIT, the military organisation that Martha Jones now works for, I'm not keen on the rather negative portrayal of an organisation that gave us, in my opinion one of the greatest periods of Who-History. Still, young Private Ross Jenkins and his partnership with the Doctor was one of the best things in the episode, just wanna hear a mention of the Brigadier!

Once again the show went out at 6:20, and we had some more unsettling scenes, not quite as gruesome as the Ood-transformation last week, but the clone must have scared the piss out of some kiddies watching.

This is still going out at 6:20 right?

Donna's return home was a little....distracting, from the main plotline. Though it did give us an excuse to see more Bernard Cribbins, who was placed in mortal danger at the climax! Crikey! The relationship between Donna and her grandad is by far the best family relationship of the new series.

The Sontarans were also back, another fine creation from the late, great Bob Holmes. Raynor captured their love of war really well, and I look forward to seeing much more of them in the second part. Not sure about their All Blacks routine at the climax.

Bringing me to the bad things about this weeks episode.

First of all, Freema seemed to be let down once again. Her appearance in Torchwood reduced her to being constantly put in danger, and this was, sadly, repeated in The Sontaran Stratagem by having her captured and...cloned. So we have an evil double of Martha going about, much like a sub-par Only Fools and Horses Christmas special. If there's a "I'm the real Martha, kill her!" moment next week I may put my boot through the telly.

Also, the cliffhanger...the Sontaran ships flying down to Earth, the Doctor running out on to the street as they filled with gas and going "It's the whole world..." That's as maybe, but it does only seem to be taking place in a supermarket car park and a street in Chissick.

The Geeky: Nice reference to UNIT dating (Are the Pertwee years set in the 70s or 80s?) as the Doctor himself couldn't remember exactly what decade he worked for UNIT.

An argument over how to pronounce Sontaran, echoing a discussion between Terrence Dicks and original Sontaran Kevin Lindsay.

Looking forward to next week as we seem to have bucked the trend of dodgy first 2-parters. That said, evil Martha, whilst being pretty sexy does give me cause for concern.

Sugar Cone

Chocolate, Vanilla, Strawberry, Mint Choc Chip, Rum and Raisin, Avocado and Chilli. Avocado and Chilli ice cream? It's like something out of the fucking Great British Menu.

But it aint, it's the fifth week of The Apprentice and while not being quite as entertaining yet tragic as last weeks the ice cream task did provide us with some cracking moments. Sadly none of these moments involved Raef driving an ice cream van...it did however present us with Raef in his dressing gown looking very dapper indeed.

Some very interesting use of editing this week, as it seemed like Clare and her team were really going to lose. Jenny, Raef and Lindi secured a deal with the same cinema chain Renaissance were attempting to secure, and they just seemed to be doing incredibly well. In retrospect, maybe this presentation of events was to lure us into exactly the same false sense of security that the gloating pair of Jenny and Lindi were under.

Lucinda was team leader for this week, and it was really good to see her take control of her team and show that maybe she isn't the airy fairy punchbag that Ginger-Jenny and Helene thought she was. In fact, Helene even said she was prepared to admit her opinions of Lucinda had changed....that is until they got into the boardroom. For a risk assessment manager, Lucinda did not "assess the risk" of speaking for Helene, who, lets face it can speak for her big self.

Lindi was eventually fired after a long debate about "exclusivity", which Alpha had promised to a pub and the cinema chain, thus limiting future deals. I think between The Apprentice and You're Fired the word "exclusivity" was uttered about a hundred times....it became pretty painful. To be honest, I'm not bothered about Sir Alans decision, Lindi has done nothing to make me think she deserves to stay on and seeing as this new series seems to be focusing on keeping the bitchy characters in for entertainment value, it was clear to me that "Best salesperson in Europe" Jenny is being groomed for a massive fall.

Still, as unpleasant as all the inevitable female bitching in the boardroom was, there was some absolutely delightful moments such as Lee McQueens boyish enthusiasm about making his own ice cream and the slightly seedy image of Ginger-Jenny offering tasters of ice cream to two drunks in a car park. That's market research my friends!

"when I was 16, I couldn't get a 16 year old for love nor money!"

"I've fingered every girl I've ever been with, I've licked 'em out, I've been tossed off and sucked off..." No, not one of Sir Alans opening Apprentice monologues, but the words of young Jack, one of the many teenagers who signed on for MTV's The Virgin Diaries.

Now, as a 22 year old man, there's something not quite right about watching 16 year olds talking about losing their virginity. That sort of behaviour can get you put on a register, especially if you're doing it outside a High School with your hands in your pockets making a rubbing motion. (But enough about my afternoon....) But there is something watchable about it.

Each episode is a video diary by a self-confessed virgin talking about sex, and whether or not they're going to take that step into sexual maturity. (Thank you MTV press release!) I've only seen two full episodes, I gave up during the third because I was increasingly aware I was alone in my room watching a 16 year old buy lube. The first episode focused on a 16 year old girl, who started out as being really annoying, but you eventually warmed to her as she giggled her way through a description of cybersex and eventually found love at the Tesco deli counter, deciding that her beloved could be the right guy but she wasn't quite ready to have sex with him. Nice social message there, especially as the Daily Mail would have us believe this show is a disgusting television programme created by paedophile terrorist asylum seekers. (Though the headline for their attack was Virgin on the Ridiculous which I really wanted to use for this piece!)

The second episode, young Jack's story was an altogether different kettle of fish. Jack was exactly the sort of odious little prick that the girls I like end up going for. Too much hair, posh Southern English accent and he probably owns more than a few pairs of flip-flops. It was altogether too clear that I was not going to like him. His opening boast about how he would gleefully set about doing everything else didn't ring quite true to me. He seemed to suggest that he'd been with quite a few girls and had poked, prodded, licked and probably spunked in the eye of every one of them, but didn't want to have sex with them. Now come on, either that's utter bollocks or he's in denial. The stupid little prick even met a girl he quite liked but fucked it up by getting off with a bunch of girls because they weren't properly going out. Now apparently I'm supposed to feel sorry for him because he just wants a proper relationship...I suppose the real message was a bit of a parable. He tried to stick his tongue down as many throats (or indeed other parts) as he could, but just wanted a healthy stable relationship where he could pop his irritating English cherry. Rather doing that than sticking his cock down as many throats (or indeed other parts) as he could...do you see?

The Virgin Diaries is nowhere near the signal of the apocalypse that the right wing press would have you believe. In fact every episode I have seen has ended with the subject realising that maybe sex is an important thing and losing your virginity to the first Velma lookalike who gives you the eye is not strictly the best course of action. Still, whether that message is getting out is clearly up to debate, after all the thought is that a 16 year old talking to a 16 year old might have a lot more success in preaching this message than an uncomfortable guidance teacher. God hasn't youth television come a long long way?

Enjoy Your Ood!

I will, thanks. Yes it's another exciting adventure for Doctor Who. (Seriously, is it too much to ask that this is said before every episode?) And once again, it was very refreshing indeed to see a setting that didn't evoke 21st Century Cardiff with perhaps the most convincing alien planet of the series to date. Not much competition I'll grant you...it's like the third one we've had!

NOT a mountaintop in Cardiff

The brief for this episode, I believe, was for new writer Keith Temple to explore exactly why the Ood were "born to serve". Of course, they weren't! Us nasty humans did it to them and made them into our slaves! Not so much a subtle allegorical tale as the episode kinda beat us around the head with the message. the Doctor asking Donna who she thought made her clothes etcetera.

That reminds me...I really need to cook that mince before it goes off

Still, it was a hugely entertaining episode directed by the superb Graeme Harper. I don't know if it was Harper's presence or what but Tim McInnery's Mr Halpen reminded me a lot of the villain in Harper's first story The Caves of Androzani. McInnery played his villain so brilliantly and with real relish, not entirely sure about the science involved in his comeuppance and it wasn't particularly well explained by the Doctor. Tennant was okay this week...his catchphrases, jaw jutting and teeth baring are starting to wear a bit thin, but his "Aaaah let 'em!" was perfect. Catherine Tate, again was pretty damned good and did some more cry-acting (is that a theatrical term?) as she realises that it isn't all wonderful travelling in time and space. (Didn't she do that last week?)

Boo...

So another week, another cracking guest cast and another pretty damned good episode. Series 4 is shaping up very very nicely indeed.

The Geeky:- Nice references, again, to a Hartnell serial, this time The Sensorites who are the Ood's neighbours. That's two Hartnell references in 2 weeks...Mechanoids in the season finale?

Next Time:- Martha's back! Yay! UNIT's back! Yay! The Sontarans are back! Yay! Helen Raynor's back! Oh...is she?

So Long Simon!

Forget Pompeii, this mug is the TV moment of the week. Yep, it's The Apprentice! Simon "stepped up to the plate" and led Renaissance in the photo task. Simon decided on a glamour theme...I say glamour, not entirely sure this is what I'd call it.

Princess Diana:- looking surprisingly well considering.

Helene led the other team deciding on a lookalike theme, which provided much laughter as the team auditioned for someone people would like to get their photo taken with.

Christ it looks like the strangest celebrity edition of The weakest link

Although it was a good idea, Helene is such a hateful figure (Not much of a surprise going by this years candidates) and made such ridiculous decisions. Putting Lucinda, who would tell anybody that listened about her lack of computer skills (probably shouldn't tell Sir Alan "AMSTRAD" Sugar about it.) ...in charge of er...the computers. Oh, and printing the photos on normal A4 paper, but they won! Disappointed that this didn't come up in the boardroom but oh well, Helene's team did give us this classic Apprentice moment.

I think this speaks for itself really....

Simon on the other hand failed to even break even, due, mainly to the odious trio of Alex, Jenny and Clare. Neither one of these streaks of piss treated Simon with the respect he deserved as Team Leader, and are so bloody coniving that Alex and Jenny turned on Clare in the Boardroom when it looked like maybe, just maybe Sir Alan might sack her!

Boo, and indeed hiss

So with Simon gone there isn't any particular redeeming features of this years candidates...barring Raef and Lee McQueen, who is starting to grow on me. Next week the teams have to come up with an ice cream flavour. Presumably something with a bitter aftertaste? Eh? Eh? See what I did there? And what exactly was that cameraman doing filming Raef in the shower?

Is he crying AND masturbating?

I'm genuinely sorry to see Simon go, especially seeing as his appearance on You're Fired highlighted what a lovely guy he seemed to be. But being a lovely guy, clearly isn't what you need to be the Apprentice.

Gift suggestions for the Krondas in your life....

Oh lord.

As if my drink problem, DVD buying and impending release of Grand Theft Auto 4 weren't enough to threaten my already unstable bank balance, Character Options have just released promo pics of their new Classic Doctor Who action figure range. Bear with me folks, I'm about to get gee-kay. (Actually, the phrase gee-kay made me sound a lot more geeky...)

So, pretty obviously, we get the classic Tom Baker action figure. There's also a figure of lovely man, but not the best loved Doctor; Colin Baker. Not as much loved he may be but his action figure is a beauty! Also available is a Peter Davison one, sans cricket ball unfortunately. There's also, again, rather obviously, a set of "Classic Daleks" featuring a Dalek from their original appearance, the Jon Pertwee serial Planet of the Daleks and old favourite, "Insert Best Story Hyperbole Here" Genesis of the Daleks.

Glad to see that they're going for some other lesser known favourite monsters for the first wave of figures. There's a Sea Devil, a Zygon (Bring 'em back!), Magnus Greel and Mr Sin (Right, though, I'd have preferred an actual size homicidal Mr Sin ventriloquist dummy.) and also two of the Voc Robots from the truly wonderful Robots of Death.

Hopefully this first wave is a huge success, some early wishes for wave 2 are a Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart action figure, the much rumoured Tenth Planet Cyberman to be a reality. Oh, and a Jon Pertwee action figure with a "Venusian Karate" feature, involving some sort of chopping arm.

That's not all however. Each figure comes with a part of the giant K-1 Robot from Tom Baker's debut serial, which was imaginatively titled, er... Robot. Another bloody reason to spend a heap of money. Until next time, faithful reader, by which time I may have flogged a kidney, or taken to selling my body down the harbour.

"Not the whole town...please...just save someone!"

NOT a street in Cardiff

Second episode in and the 4th Series of Doctor Who is shaping up very nicely indeed. James Moran's The Fires of Pompeii sees the Doctor and Donna arrive in Pompeii just as the volcano is about to erupt. A lot has been said about how this is the biggest episode Upper Boat has ever attempted, and to be honest, it did look pretty damned good, so utterly refreshing to see somewhere other than contemporary Earth or a dressed spacestation set back in Cardiff. This, of course was due to the fact that the whole team upped sticks and shot the street scenes at Cinecitta Studios. (where they filmed Rome don'tcha-know...) So, what make I of the episode?

Pans Labyrinth 2 suffers budget cuts

Apart from looking fantastic, the episode mainly focused on the morality of the Doctor's life, does he alert the locals to their fate? How exactly does the Doctor decide who to save? Thankfully we had the utterly wonderful Catherine Tate as Donna to ask those questions. The climax when Donna and the Doctor realise exactly what it is they have to do to save the world from the Pyroville was utterly heart-wrenching, and the scenes in the TARDIS between the two time travellers are some of the most emotional we've had since John Smith realised he wasn't a real boy after all.

The Pyroville were pretty cool, although, again, rather obviously CGI'd. The Sisterhood were pretty good too, slightly menacing and very mysterious. And the Doctor fought them off with a water pistol, don't you just bloody love him?

Quick word goes to the supporting cast of Peter Capaldi and Phil Davis. Davis played soothsayer and traditional Doctor Who human spokesperson for our alien invaders, Lucius. The scene where he identified the Doctor as a man of Gallifrey, and warned him that "She is coming..." (If he's talking about Rose, then he's clearly been watching Secret Diary of a Call Girl. Fnar fnar) There were all sorts of things littered about in the episode that could come back in the series finale, I'm telling you, it was so much easier spotting the blatant Bad wolf, Torchwood and Saxon references. Another reference to a planet disappearing, Donna having "something on her back", another reference to the Medusa Cascade and the Shadow Proclamation.

Apart from a tacked on ending, seeing how the family the Doctor saves have fared a year down the line, (though is that "Household Gods" tablet another pointer?) it was an emotional, gorgeous looking, morality tale about changing history and choosing who to save...and at 6:45 on a Saturday evening? Bloody hell!

Geeky Moments:- Nice references to classic serials The Romans ("That fire had nothing to do with me...well...") and City of Death ("It's Modern Art!")

Next week:- The Ood are back! Donna visits her first alien planet! Tim McInnery's in it! The blue suit is back!

"... a lot of Italian restaurants in Guildford!"

Thank god for Doctor who because if it wasn't on, I'd just be watching shows about food!

Yup, even The Apprentice got in on the act this week with a culinary challenge. Sir Alan set the teams a challenge of running a themed evening and choosing a menu for a London pub. The girls team decided on a Bollywood theme, serving curry and, as far as I could fathom, hiring a tiny Indian stripper.

Gooooooo Renaissance! Er...yeah, right.

The boys, on the other hand decided on an Italian theme...and well...oh christ. Kevin took the job of Head Chef and served bolognese and pizza....well, I say bolognese, it was really just spaghetti, water and mince. And I say pizza, but it was only half a pizza. I suppose that's what happens when you get your ingredients from fucking Tesco. The boys lost the challenge (Quelle surprise) and team leader Ian was promptly fired. I have a suspicion that my personal favourite; Simon (who I called Michael for the whole of last week!) is going to be team leader for next weeks photo task, seeing as he wants to prove to Sir Alan that he's more than just a "get your hands dirty" sort of guy. Hope he succeeds, and I hope we get more from Raef!

Isn't 24 getting dull these days?

For our main course, (See what I did there?) we have Hells Kitchen. This week saw Gordon dump a lorry load of "wasted ingredients" in the carpark and have our contestants wade through it, before having them filet a hallibut, then having the losing team make fish stock. And shout a lot. I do miss Ramsay swearing uncensored, but hey, it's great to see him lose the plot every coupld of minutes. Anyways, the boys team won the filet challenge and were rewarded with a gay cruise. Or at least that's what it looked like...I mean what the fuck is Jean-Phillipe wearing?

Permission to come aboard? Fnar-fnar

So then it was back to the kitchen, and still the teams can't cope with the pressure of a professional kitchen...(or is that Masterchef?) seeing Ramsay "Shut it down!" just after the beginning of serving the entrees. So this week we've had mashed up fish, people wading around in rotten food, a gay cruise and Ramsay surprising everyone with his choice of who should "take off their jacket and leave Hells Kitchen." Oh, and we had a customer beat around the head with a chair. Can't wait to see next week.

And so we come to dessert, with a lovely little treat that used to be tucked away on Channel 4's daytime telly schedule before Countdown. Come Dine with Me sees 4 people cook for each other over the course of a week in order to win money. The new, primetime version kicked off with a celebrity version...well, a bloke from G4, Tamara Beckwith, Harvey off of So Solid Crew and some singer woman. It's entertaining, mainly for Dave Lambs narration, and the thinly veiled bitchiness that comes out in the course of the dinner parties, I'm sure the "normal people" version will be a lot more entertaining when it starts next Thursday at 8. That said, Harvey's first encounter with an all vegetable menu, and his attempts to teach the dinner party ghetto speak was pretty funny.

So yeah, food glorious food and all that, I'm currently searching for another show that doesn't revolve around cooking, I'm trying out Chuck but so far, I'm not impressed.

"I'm waving at fat!"

The Doctor is also "devastated" by the Torchwood finale

He's back! David Tennant was on fine form as the Doctor in the opening episode of the new series of Doctor Who entitled Partners In Crime. He had some wonderful scenes, the silent reunion with Donna being a highlight, but one of my favourite moments was when he begins explaining the Adipose necklace only to look up and remember the TARDIS is empty. Awwww, bless his heart, he needs a mate.

You aint mating with her sunshine! Fine by me

She's back! Catherine Tate reprises her role as Donna, and she was excellent. Most of the laughs in the silent reunion scene were down to her wonderfully over the top miming. She handled the serious scenes brilliantly as well, her relationship with her grandfather (played by Bernard Cribbins) is probably the best familial relationship of this new family orientated Who.

But what of the plot? Fairly run of the mill Doctor Who series premiere stuff really. Lots of running around, an exciting lift sequence, over-use of the sonic screwdriver. The fact this is a light season opener, the social commentary about diet pills seemed a little under-developed. Still, it was good fun, and once you realised that the Adipose monsters weren't actually villains, their cutesy look worked fine. After all, they aren't the evil Spidery children the Doctor killed at Christmas, these are innocent kids, fair enough the manner of their birth kills people, (In a fashion that wasn't nearly as gruesome as it could have been...damn you 6:20 timeslot!) but that's more the fault of the sinister Miss Foster.

Look, seriously, Doctor Who is a legitimate grown up entertainment show okay?

Foster was played by a not too bad Sarah Lancashire, not quite as menacing as she probably should have been, and the bit where she was beamed up was quite frankly laughable. Still, it was entertaining enough, and the "friend" dynamic between The Doctor and Donna is so refreshing, and I think it's going to be a fun 13 weeks in the company of these two.

Unlike previous series, Rusty hasn't crowbarred an "arc-word" into the episodes. This series he says that an element from each of the episodes will be brought forward to the season finale. And this episodes element featured a character we haven't seen for a while interacting with Donna. The room I was in erupted, primarily because we didn't expect them so soon!

Next week: The Doctor and Donna visit Pompeii on Volcano Day, will they alert the locals of their impending fate? Will Davros show up? Will the BBC stick it on at a decent hour? And is it seriously going to be flanked in the schedules by two John Barrowman shows?

The Doctor: Its a new show where John Barrowman pits kids against adults!
Donna: Isn't that Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old?

Oh, quick notes about last nights Torchwood season finale. Whilst being very dramatic and emotional, with the deaths of no less than two of the regular characters, the plot and supporting cast didn't really seem to warrant such a crushing blow.

Eastenders should fucking sue

The evil brother gambit is such a tired television cliche, 24's critically derided sixth season featured one, and in last years Who finale, the Doctor shakes off Martha's suspicion that the Master is his brother with "You've been watching too much television..." So why, pray tell, did Upper Boat decide to give us one in Torchwood? And, why, pray tell did they hire such an absolutely atrocious actor to play him? He just didn't seem threatening in the slightest, making his devastating actions against Cardiff and the Torchwood Hub a little "meh". And James Marsters! He acted Barrowman, Myles, and the guy playing Gray right out of the park and would've been the best thing in it if it wasn't for the fantastic performances by Burn Gorman and Naoko Mori.

There, Torchwood's over until next year, and now we have some proper Who-niverse based entertainment!

Gord Almighty!

Hells Kitchen is back! And, much like the U.S version of Kitchen Nightmares, the U.S version of Gordon Ramsay's bastard child of The Apprentice and Masterchef is much more over the top and ridiculous than it's UK counterpart.

Think he's on his way to a cooking competition?

There's the melodramatic music, close-ups, whooshing cameras etc, and the people...my god the people. 16 contestants begin the show, including Craig, pictured above who entered Ramsays kitchen with this comedy chefs hat. This obviously prompted Ramsay to question the size of Craig's genitalia. (As a sidenote; what the hell is Ramsays obsession with bollocks, cock size and the like? It's starting to trouble me...)

My favourite so far is Bobby, who claims to be a "Black Gordon Ramsay" judging by the first shows performance, he's anything but. Thankfully he's been given the chance to prove himself after a disasterous first show.

But hang on, who's this interesting looking contestant? Hmm...I'd never guess, and I find it really bloody hard to believe that noone on the coach noticed that it was blatantly Ramsay in a funny wig and some glasses. Ramsay unmasked himself after a round of perhaps the worst Gordon Ramsay impressions I've ever heard, in a low-rent Scooby Doo style moment.

And he would've got away with it if it wasn't for those pesky kids....

After the unmasking, the contestants had to cook their signature dishes for Chef Ramsay in scenes reminiscent of Masterchef if, of course Gregg Wallace and John Torode vomited everywhere and called the contestants "cunts".

The Contractually Obliged Gordon Ramsay Vomiting Scene

I often wonder if the production company tell these people to cook the worst possible meals, in an attempt to just rile Gordon. I mean how else do you explain this abortion?

There's practically a whole pig stuffed into there....seriously.

Then it's on to running a professional kitchen, which they fail miserably, then one of them gets fired. Sorry...evicted....no, wait that's not right...has to hand in their jacket. Hand in their jacket? Hardly the catchiest of booting off catchphrases is it? Anyway, Dominic had to hand in his jacket this week. Though, judging by the way in which his exit was shot, it tends to suggest he'd been killed (possibly by Ramsay) and was now going to a better place.

Walk toward the light Dominic...

It's not a patch on Nightmares or The Apprentice but it fills a Ramsay shaped void in the UK schedules, and a void in my downloading until the returns of House and Lost at the end of the month.

My Beautiful Laundrette

David Tennant is definitely doing the Christmas Special. So you can knock all this "Exterminated by Daleks" talk on the head right now y'hear?

Anyways...let's take a break from talking Who and focus on last nights Apprentice!

Sir Alan set the teams the task of running a laundrette and we had some very early contenders for the best moments of Series 4.

First of all we had this absolute lunatic thinking it was a good idea to charge £4.99 per item. Now, faithful reader, this essentially means she was charging someone practically a fiver to wash a pillow case. Good een. Of course, their pitch to the manager of a large hotel failed miserably...but the fact they offered to do his laundry for five grand with a straight face was incredible. Not only was that incredible but the sheer fucking cheek of asking customers for tips did not impress Sir Alan.

Sir Al was also unimpressed by the idea of a laundry helpline, prompting him to utter perhaps my favourite ever line in Apprentice history: "Hello girls, how are my pants doing?"

Also, said lunatic is marking herself out as the villain of this series with her treatment of Lucinda, who I don't like in the slightest but there are ways of talking to people, know what I mean you cunt?

The boys did really bloody well last night, and I was expecting them to trip up and shatter the wonderful male bonding that was going on...but they didn't. And they're all mates, for now that is.

Sir Alan's Much Maligned Wanking Task

The class struggle of last week was a distant memory, as Raef (Definitely my favourite right now.) led the Team to victory and a private room at the Ritz. It was great to see Michael (Second favourite, primarily for his "I've worked with laundry machinery.....in Bosnia.") talk so highly of Raef but will they all be speaking so well of each other next week when, as far as I can gather, they have to run a Wetherspoons?

Michael: He's washed pants in a warzone...what the fuck have you done with your life?

Who-odles more information

3 Days!

With 3 days still to get through, let's all sit down and think about what we've learned.

Reports are filtering in from Tuesdays press-launch, suggesting that a certain kebab shop owner/Dalek creator might well be returning. A special trailer for the audience showed all the companions we already knew were coming back (including former PM Harriet Jones! Intriguing...) and a shadow of something described as half human/half Dalek. Taxi for a Mr Dave Ross!

Budget cuts hit new series of Doctor Who

Nicest man in the world David Tennant has also apparently told Simon Mayo that he'd do a Series 5. No complaints here.

Catherine Tate has stated unequiovcally that Donna does not "love" the Doctor, she doesn't want to go out with an alien. Thank fuck for that.

The new Radio Times treated us to the remaining episode titles, barring the penultimate one, which is presumably too spoilerish and does not, repeat does not feature any words beginning with 'D'.

Episode 6, written by Steven Greenhorn is indeed called The Doctor's Daughter. Make of that what you will.

And hey, seeing as they kick off filming of the Christmas Special next week, rumour has it it's gonna have Cybermen, Victorian London, and...er...Amy Winehouse. Think that last one was an April Fool.

With the press embargo lifted, much clips and promotional pictures have been doing the rounds, including some first peeks at this weeks villains, the Adipose...but I don't want to incur any slagging from certain non-we friends of mine. So how about the couple that's going to be keeping us entertained for the next few weeks?

Bumming