"The one, the only, and the best!"

David Morrissey, as miffed as I am that he isn't the next Doctor...

It's been three years now since the first ever Doctor Who Christmas Special introduced us to a new Doctor, and here we are, three years on being introduced to The Next Doctor. Sort of, but more of that in a minute.

It's interesting to note that last years Christmas special; The Voyage of the Damned was the first time that Nu-Who left me cold. I just didn't get it, Kylie Minogue was nothing more than a bit of stunt casting whose character was barely fleshed out. (A quick look at RTD's brilliant book; The Writers Tale has him admit that having Kylie on the show made him lazy when it came to characterisation, surely the casting coup is enough?) I didn't really care about the plot, George Costigan was hammy in a way we hadn't seen since Paul Darrow in Timelash and the Queen! Oh the Queen.

But I rather feel that, up until this year, I forgot the point of these Christmas specials. You see, a Christmas episode of Doctor Who, more than ever, is about entertainment. Around 13 million people tuned into Voyage of the Damned and those are the sorts of figures that, in this multi channel age, are not to be sniffed at. So with the mission statement of entertaining as many people as possible for 60 minutes, let's look at this years effort.

I'm going to put my cards on the table straight off; I loved this story, absolutely loved it. But why did I love it?

Davids Tennant and Morrissey primarily, their chemistry sparkled on screen as the "Two Doctors" the scenes between them trying to figure out what was going on were a joy to behold as each man tried to suss the other one out. Was Morrissey a future incarnation? Well of course he wasn't, and I must admit the moment the infostamps were brought out, I pretty much guessed how exactly David Morrissey was the Doctor. That said, when he was playing a caracature of the Doctor, he was spot on, all heroics and bluster and when he eventually reverted back to his true self, he broke my heart. Although again, dead wife and kidnapped son a smidge obvious but hey, we're all a bit sluggish after the turkey and Quality St to quibble right?

Speaking of plot, it seemed slightly odd that once the whole next Doctor storyline settled down, the Cyberman plotline kicked into gear. Of course it had been a constant presence up to that point but there was still very much the sense that these were two plots knocking around in RTD's head that he decided to cobble together.

And actually, whilst we're on the subject of Cybermen, is it just me or would it not have been easier, script-wise to have our universe's Cybermen in Victorian London with some time travel technology? It would've saved us from the rather bizarre plot point involving Cybermen and Daleks floating around in the void nicking stuff off each other. I'd have much rather RTD did away with all that and just gave us the standard alien invasion plot that was ticking away underneath all the wonderful next Doctor stuff.

And this brings us to The Next Doctor's ace in the hole, the Cyber-King! And kudos to The Mill because it looked incredible.

That sound you hear is Character Options rubbing their hands together...

Of course, it was utterly insane, but this is what RTD era Who does so well. I would've settled for the Cybermen enlisting a bunch of workhouse children to build a giant Cyber-King to invade Victorian London without any of that holes in the universe, nicking stuff off the Daleks exposition.

In summary then, The Next Doctor not only managed to entertain as many people as possible, but it chucked in a lot of nice nods and references (I'm looking at you 10 Doctors montage!) for us diehard fanboys who haven't been won round by the Christmas episodes in the past.For my money The Next Doctor is the most exciting, most entertaining, most bloody Christmassy Christmas Special we've had yet. The only bad thing is that we've only got 4 hours of the wonderful David Tennant left....

"Now why don't you get down into the shelter like all the other children?"

Kiefer Sutherland and a young African boy find solace in each other over 24 season 6.

There are times in life when we're hurt by the people we love. A betrayal perhaps, or just a genuine feeling that they've let us down. I'm sure, like myself you all have tales of woe. One such tale of mine involves a Counter Terrorist Agent called Jack Bauer, a nuclear bomb, an illegitimate son and some evil family members. I'm talking, of course, about the lazily written, woefully bad sixth series of much loved real-time action drama 24. The seventh series begins, after writers strike and prison sentence related delays some time in January, but to fill in the gaps, Fox put together a 2 hour TV Movie entitled 24: Redemption. So then, does it wash away that bitter taste left in the mouth by the downright ridiculous antics of season six? The answer is....not quite, but it's a damned good start.

First of all, it was fantastic to hear Kiefer say: "The following takes place between 3pm and 5pm...events occur in real time." That shit sends shivers up my spine that only the theme tune to Doctor who has managed.

Relocating the action to Africa and D.C respectively there is instantly a sense of a refreshing change, the main problem with the past few seasons of 24 were that it was pretty hard to believe that terrorists were only interested in bombing out large parts of L.A. Things reached a pretty barmy climax when the showrunners decided to nuke part of the city last season and have everyone carry on as if practically nothing happened.
Even more refreshing is that Redemption's storyline has no connection to terrorism whatsoever. Instead it focuses on a planned military coup in a fictional African nation, bankrolled by a suitably sinister and enigmatic Jon Voight. (Presumably next seasons rich white guy villain, 24's stock in trade for the past 6 years.)

Boo, and indeed hiss...

Thank god then, that Jack is hiding out in Sengala at a school run by former buddy Benton, hiding from a federal case against him. Benton is played by Robert Carlyle, doing his best Angelas Ashes Irish accent, even if his eventual fate is a tad predictable. (Hint: He's a mate of Jacks, which makes him evil, or victim of a tragic death. Or both if your Tony Almeida.)

The rebels are hiring children as soldiers and set their sights on Benton's school. Cue a classic Jack Bauer ass-kicking, some self sacrifice, a bit of torture and everything else you'd expect from your average 24 episode.

Meanwhile back in America, the groundwork is being laid out for next season, no evil Tony Almeida as yet, but we get a glance at the new female president (24 did the whole black president thing back in 2001) the aforementioned Voight and his sinister minions and the Presidents son, who appears to have stumbled on what Voight's character is up to. If I were him I'd be pretty careful, especially as Voight appears to have hired Gordon Ramsay as one of his henchmen.

It's nowhere near as beautifully plotted, fun or exciting as the best seasons of the show but of course it never could be, it's a 2 hour telly movie and a fun one at that. And also a damned sight better than the glorified car adverts that have preluded the last 3 seasons. Of course it's predictable, overly sentimental and there's some ridiculously heavy handed satire on the UN. (The title quote being one of Jack's criticisms of a cardboard cutout peacekeeper character whose name I didn't remember.) But it's a refreshing change of pace, and hopefully one they'll be able to carry on into Season 7.

The attention seeking lovechild of Spooks and Skins

Since September 11th 2001 our telly boxes have been chock-full of government agencies kicking terrorist ass. As tragic as that day was, you can argue it's been bloody lucrative for Fox and the BBC and their hugely succesful 24 and Spooks franchises. Both shows continue to rumble on through our TV schedules, still pulling in high ratings regardless of the fact that pretty much all original cast members are no longer involved.

Another succesful show of recent years is Channel 4's youth drama Skins hugely popular with kids and adults alike for it's sex and drugs portrayal of youth culture. So hey, here's an idea, why don't these two shows have unprotected sex with each other at a house party after one too many Cheeky Vimto's?

The result of such fornication is BBC3's new show Spooks: Code 9 a time-wasting, patronising exercise lacking the charm and wit of the two shows it's trying to emulate.

So what's wrong with it? For a start the central premise makes little to no sense whatsoever. A nuclear bomb explodes in London in 2012 (Presumably during the Olympics though this is never made explicit...well it blows up in a stadium but noone says "Olympics") killing thousands and making sure that "nothing is the same again". But this is not the harrowingly realistic portrayal of the classic Threads, apparently this attack kills most of MI5's agents leaving a bunch of young whippersnappers to do the job of fighting terrorists who are also getting younger. (And if you didn't understand my explanation, it's pretty much word for word what's said on screen.) It's a paper thin premise that has little to no explanation, and I doubt whether it'll be elaborated on in further episodes.

The team all live together in the same house (How very This Life.) and spend their downtime drinking shots and flirting with each other. (Much like Torchwood, Skins and er...This Life.) None of the characters are particularly likeable, or particularly original; one character who's name I forget or don't care to remember (I've only just finished watching the bloody thing!) is an ex-thief with a heart of gold trying to find his missing family.

Cheer up Georgia, you'll be back in Doctor who soon enough....

Not even the beautiful Georgia Moffet can make me care about the character, my main concern for her is that she's wasting her time in such a woeful piece of television.

All in all it's another "youth" show that treats its audience like they can't sit still for 5 minutes. The direction of the fight sequences at the start are ropey at best, and it's a struggle to figure out exactly who's punching who, and the less said about the Union Jack transition effect between scenes the better.

Coming so soon after the unmitigated disaster that is Bonekickers, Code 9 is further evidence that the Beeb is hastily trying to come up with a replacement for Doctor who in the schedules. Roll on 2010, I don't think we've ever needed the Doctor as much as we do now.

Celebrity Comes Out SHOCK!

Before you read this edition of KKK I fully advise you sit down. No seriously, you're going to want to take a seat because I have a startling revelation for you. Sat down? Good....here goes....




JOHN BARROWMAN IS GAY


What? You already knew? Of course, this is no real surprise to anybody who's owned a TV set over the past 3 years, being as he is, perhaps one of the gayest men on television. But why is he gay? Is it a case of nature or nurture? Thankfully the Barrowman Broadcasting Corporation decided to find out and sent our man on a journey across London (Made obvious by the ridiculous amounts of panning establishing shots of London landmarks...I thought I was watching the flipping Apprentice!) Chicago, LA and wherever it is his family live.

This picture features the lovely Eve Myles and therefore covers all demographics....

This is for the Beeb's new show The Making of Me a 3 part series in which celebrities try and find out what it is exactly that makes them the way they are. And Barrowman's journey is a genuinely interesting one, albeit one that scarcely touches on the problems many gay men face in coming out to their friends and family. Barrowman himself says that if he had stayed in Glasgow instead of moving to the States he may have ended up killing himself after coming out. It's an interesting point; Barrowman has been lucky, a loving caring family and living in a fairly liberal and affluent community that accepted him for what he was, something you may not have got back here in Scotland. Still, the show is not really about the hardships gay people face, it's about whether or not they're born with it, which is an admirable quest in itself.

So what does he find out? There are some interesting things in the programme, an MRI scan can pinpoint exactly what it is that turns us on. (My brain would clearly light up like a Christmas tree if I saw Kristin Bell in knee socks.) One "Ex-Gay" dismisses this as being the same as chocolate and that he can refuse men in the same way he can give up smoking because both are harmful. It is here and with an interview with a man who tried to "go straight" that Barrowman is actually serious for a moment, he's enthusiastic to the point of nausea at times and it's good to see him shocked and struggling to understand something. Unfortunately, for me, there's a lack of bona-fide proof that people are born gay. For all the similarities gay brains have to straight women brains and a search for a gay gene, there's no real definitive proof. It takes a rather shonky ending that falls apart slightly involving the length of ring fingers and the amount of older brothers you have that smacks of desperation. Especially when Barrowman almost celebrates the fact his mother miscarried a son.

Still, it's a worthwhile enough exercise, and a diverting albeit very interesting 60 minute though I doubt it does enough to convince those that believe homosexuality is a lifestyle choice otherwise. But hopefully it helps to make some headway.

"But we had the best of times."

Hey, SPOILERS!

That Russell T Davies is nae feart! Journey's End is perhaps his ballsiest script yet, poking the hardcore fan squarely in the eye right from the get-go. I must admit something before I continue this review and say that I didn't see Journey's End on first broadcast on account of being in Shetland, one pub did have it on though and there was a brief moment where I had to decide whether or not to ask them to turn it off or turn it up!

So with that out the way let's take a look at poke in the eye #1:- Namely the "Regeneration". The press have been speculating wildly over whether or not David Tennant would be staying in the role past last weeks cliffhanger. I never once for a moment thought he was going to fully regenerate into the 11th Doctor. And I'm not entirely sure what the hell everyone's problem is about him healing himself and siphoning off the energy into the hand in the jar. After all, the Doctor is about to regenerate in Part 3 of The Caves of Androzani but pauses so that he can return to save Peri. So is it too much to ask us to believe that if he's got some matching bio-data to hand (hem hem) then he can halt the regeneration?

The hand and the regeneration energy, of course, gave us one of the other things some fans might find upsetting, but I'll come to that in a minute. As I said last week, I was sorely disappointed with last years finale and the distinct lack of confrontation between the wonderful David Tennant and John Simm. (Something, rumour has it, we might be getting next year.) Thankfully we had plenty of confrontation between Tennant's Doctor and Julian Bleach's rasping, chillingly portrayed Davros. Not only that, but instead of a CGI house-elf Doctor like last year, RTD gave us 3, yes 3! Doctors for the finale. Loved Tennant's portrayal of the slightly unhinged half-human version of the Doctor, and Catherine Tate's DoctorDonna was a joy to behold. Granted the whole thing was an excuse to satisfy those real people watching the show who want the Doctor and Rose to be together, dropping them both off on Bad wolf bay (The Doctor really is a dick, dropping the woman he's supposed to be in love with in Norway? How's she supposed to get home?) to start a new life and grow old together, personally I give it six months.

Lost in Translation much?

I had no problem with this, it seemed right somehow and is, I suppose the only real resolution to the Doctor and Rose's relationship. Rose wasn't great this week, liked her approval of Martha but apart from that she was in full-on lovesick puppy mode which just made me queasy. Talking Tylers; the appearance of Rose's mum holding a massive gun was ridiculous and her presence in the episode overall was bordering on the uneccesary.

Hands up if you have nothing to do this week...

Overall though, all the characters did seem to fit together for the climax rather well, highlighting the idea of fashioning weapons out of people and how maybe the Doctor hadn't taught his companions so well afterall. And as for that scene in the console room, never before have I been simultaneously grinning and cringing at the same time! Triumphant stuff.

The defeat of the Daleks was far far too comedic and totally jarred with the way they'd been portrayed up to that point. They were really properly menacing again and all the rolling them about the floor was just ridiculous. The genocide by clone-Doctor was pretty good though. Speaking of genocide; German Daleks? A step too far? Discuss.

And finally, and most sadly of all "the death". Davies has pulled this trick before and I really wished he had the balls to actually kill someone close to the Doctor this time round, afterall that was the whole theme of the episode. (It was very much focused on performance over plot.) Instead he retconned Donna, erasing her mind of all her adventures with the Doctor and turning her back into the irritating, gobby temp we met way back on Christmas Day 2006. Donna will be sorely missed by me, I really grew to love her as she evolved through the past 13 weeks and she is by far the best companion the show's had since Sarah Jane Smith. No more Tate, I expect, also means no more Cribbins, who excelled himself in those final scenes bringing actual actual tears to my eyes. ("She was better when she was with you." "I'll keep an eye out for you son...")

Overall, it was a slightly too long, (15 minutes of saying goodbye does not justify a longer timeslot ) big ballsy round-up of Russell T Davies' brave new era of the show, light on plot but made up for in sheer spectacle and great performances from our 2 regulars and the villain. Farewell to Rose, and to Donna, and heres to 4 (Or is that 5?) exciting special episodes from Russell T Davies and David Tennant.

The Geeky
"I'm half-human, isn't that wizard." - Further derision towards that plot twist in the 1996 TV movie.

"Do you come from an old welsh family?" - Pointless and unnecessary reference to 2005's The Unquiet Dead but never mind!

Davros and Sarah Jane's discussion of the events of Genesis was just ace

So that's it, the last regular episode until 2010. Christmas sees David Tennant reunited with David Morrissey and the Cybermen. I mean, that's got to be good....right?

FREE BOOBS!

God, everywhere you go these days people are asking for your money aren't they? Shelter want your money to help the homeless, Children in Need want you to help all the neglected kiddies in the UK, Comic Relief want you to help out across the Globe, Amnesty want you to give money to help stop human rights abuses, women want you to donate money for their breast enlargement....whoa, hang on, what?

Yes indeed, Virgin 1's documentary 100 Men Own My Breasts examines this new worthy charity. Focusing on the website that started the whole thing off; http://myfreeimplants.com/ it charts the efforts of three British girls who want larger breasts and decide to join the website in the hope that lonely one-handed typists with more money than sense will pay money towards their breast enlargement surgery. Yes...seriously. I mean for god sake what the hell happened to using your credit card on the internet for joining borderline illegal pornography sites?

The girls take different approaches, Karen, like many of the women on the site, posts "sexy" pictures of her and best friend in a variety of saucy poses in exchange for money. These photos are taken by her willing amateur pornographer husband who is more than happy to pimp his girlfriend out to the interweb in exchange for some larger breasts to come home to at night. He fully understands who is exploiting who in this situation...but I dunno, for me it's a lot harder to discern. I mean, your average strip club has stringent rules on what you can and cannot do, allowing the strippers to fully exploit their customers. An analogy that Karen quite rightly makes. It seems to me, certainly in the case of that in order to raise the money, they are forced to post saucier pictures and spend more time talking to the users that it puts their marriage at risk. So who the hell is benefitting from this? Student Sarah sees sense, and leaves the site, but is not allowed to leave with her 3,000 dollars...so does that go back to the donors or what?

The donors they speak to are perhaps the most stereotypical ones they could find. Beardy weirdy with a lisp Robert is seen to buy plastic figurines of wizards and dragons.

Another donor (who wishes to remain anonymous) walks with a limp and has a funny voice....I mean seriously!

1oo Men Own My Breasts even resorts to some nice visual metaphor later on in the film as Single Mum Sarah goes back on her promise not to do sexy shots. As they cut to the shot of her pet snake swallowing a dead mouse; she's being swallowed up by the site...DO YOU SEE?

It's a tough call to decide exactly who's at fault here, it's a fine line you draw between raising money and prostituting yourself and the film seems to suggest that the borderline prostitution is the only way to raise the money they so desperately need. Karen is the one who posts the topless shots and its she who gets the money she needs in about 4 months. Now if you'll excuse me I need to pay for my new .com web address for my latest venture. www.myfreepenisenlargement.com.

"She wouldn't let me have one, she says they're naughty...."

Spoilers ahead, watch The Stolen Earth then come back.

Bernard Cribbins hot webcam action XXX Now wouldn't that be a special 50th Post Bonus?

No, of course not, it's that time of year again folks! Russell T Davies brings his version of Doctor to a close in barnstorming fashion chucking in every character from the Nu-Whoniverse he can manage to take on the might of Davros and his new Dalek empire. Everything about this episode screamed "End of an era" right down to the audacious cliffhanger (More on that later) and added to the threat posed by the Daleks. Everything was on a much bigger scale than usual finales, we had an army of Daleks descimate New York, (Though was it necessary to have Michael Brandon for such a small role?) and a complete lack of the Doctor cos he couldn't find where the Earth had buggered off to. So it's down to this merry band to contact the useless bastard.

Brady Bunch Revival Back On...

Loved these scenes between all the characters of the Whoniverse, especially the flirting between Sarah Jane and Captain Jack, and I'm almost certain Captain Jack and Sarah Janes young son Luke! Even more entertaining to watch was Roses chagrin at not even being mentioned or included in the big plans drawn up by the Doc's former companions. Whilst all this is going on, the Doctor takes Donna to visit the Shadow Proclamation, mentioned waaaay back in the first ever episode of New Who and to be honest they were waaay dissapointing. Lacking menace or authority, even the Judoon who I absolutely love were sorely underused. (A 12" Judoon doll adorns my window sill) That said, they do declare war on the Daleks so maybe we might be treated to the full wrath of the Shadow Proclamation next week?

The Shadow Proclamation: Surprisingly well lit

Other victims of underuse due to the sheer amount of shit-going-on was Michael Brandon as General Sanchez. Exterminated too soon after giving Martha the Osterhagen(?) key, which, presumably is German for "Reset Button". No, I'm being cynical, the only things we've properly seen destroyed were the Valiant and New York, two things that don't really affect either Doctor Who or its spin-off shows so there may not be a need to reset everything by the end of this story. Speaking of New York and Daleks, it was refreshing to see them being ruthless bastards once again, after their disappointing appearance in last years Daleks in Manhattan. I mean they kill an 8 year old boy for goodness sake! On a family show! On a Saturday!

Presumably this is all down to their renewed strength courtesy of their creator Davros, played to perfection by the utterly sublime Julian Bleach, channeling original Davros Michael Wisher to chilling effect. Hopefully we'll get some proper confrontation between him and the Doctor next week, though I did love the Doctor's: "After everything that's happened, after all we've been through, I only have one thing to say to you; Byeee!"

Steven Hawking's really let himself go....too offensive?

So with the Doctor back in action and after some comical first impressions from Gwen about the Doctor ("He's a bit nice, thought he'd be older.") and Donna about Captain Jack things were set up for a heart warming reunion between the Doctor, his former companions and, of course Rose. But what's this coming round the corner? A Dalek? An extermination? The Doctor DYING? Not entirely sure about Captain Jack teleporting, gun raised and ready to kill the Dalek but what can you do? And then Russell T Davies pulls off, perhaps the greatest cliffhanger in Doctor Who history, by having the Doctor REGENERATE? Either this is the best kept secret in entertainment and we've got a new Doctor next Saturday or there's something else afoot. No matter what it's a bloody audacious move and a whole country must have just had a collective "Wha...tha...Fu?"

All in all, The Stolen Earth is the biggest, boldest opening episode of a season finale 2 parter ever. Whether or not Journeys End will live up to the promise is anyones guess but I hope to god it does as there's still a bitter taste in my mouth over the mistakes made in last years Last of the Timelords. Roll on Saturday!

In an episode as busy as this, I thought I'd just list the other things I quite liked about the ridiculously exciting opening episode:

• Bernard Cribbins continues to delight and entertain, lightening the tensest of scenes.
• "My vision is not impaired" another weakness of the Daleks solved.
• Ianto, lightening the tense scenes that Bernard Cribbins wasn't in.
• Billie Piper, back to her best after last weeks weak performance.
• Catherine Tate, her performance goes from strength to strength, just what is her fate?

The Geeky:

• Calufrax, one of the stolen planets from classic serial The Pirate Planet is mentioned.
• As is Klom from Series 2's Love and Monsters
• And the Doctor mentions a plan to move Earth from long ago, but it couldn't be the same perpetrators this time. Daleks in Dalek Invasion of Earth or Timelords in Trial of a Timelord?

So will next week open with James Nesbitt off to battle Davros? Which loyal companion will die? And is Harriet Jones seriously the Red Dalek? Can't wait to find out!

"You're not going to make the world any better by shouting at it."

Life is full of regrets; why didn't I do this? why didn't I say that? why didn't I turn left at a blatantly obvious crossroads metaphor? Yes, it's this weeks Doctor-lite episode Turn Left.

To be honest, the first half of the episode was patchy as hell, zipping through alternate takes on previous stories The Runaway Bride, Smith and Jones and The Voyage of the Damned playing them without the Doctor's intervention, being as he is killed at the bottom of the Thames barrier because Donna wasn't there to stop him.

I found it interesting that, without the Doctor, in the parallel world that Donna creates, Captain Jack and his Torchwood team, and Sarah Jane Smith try to do his job for him fighting alien evils on his behalf. Judging by the heaving amount of returning stars in next weeks The Stolen Earth the idea of the Doctor's army of companions is something we'll be coming back to in the final 2 weeks.

Nice Threads

Turn Left hit its stride once the Titanic crashes into Buckingham Palace causing a huge nuclear explosion wiping out London and leaving the South of England radioactive, prompting scenes reminiscent of classic BBC nuclear holocaust drama Threads. Bernard Cribbins, Catherine Tate and Jacquline King were all utterly fantastic in these scenes, especially in the reminiscing and subsequent sing-a-long. Not to mention when their housemates were bundled into a lorry bound for "labour camps". I was kind of uncomfortable with RTD's suggestion that when confronted with such a terrible situation without the Doctor, we'd resort to ethnic cleansing, I like to think we're better than that...that said it's a hugely powerful scene played to perfection by the fantastic Bernard Cribbins.

Catherine Tate was on top form in this episode, playing all the aspects of Donna we've grown to love and some new ones too. The suggestion that the universe needs both her and the Doctor is an interesting one and I'm very excited to see what this is leading to.

So what was bad?

I hate to say it but Billie Piper. (Yeah, don't know if you'd heard but she's back.) Not specifically her acting, I did like the new Doctorish quality to the character, but her accent was so bloody distracting, she'd clearly forgotten how to do it, and has she had new teeth put in because her delivery tripped over them.

As previously mentioned I wasn't too keen on the "remember this episode and this episode and this episode?" references, but it was necessary to save money to play back the same situations without the Doctor to save the day.

Planet of the Stereotypes

An oriental planet and the portrayal of the oriental fortune teller was laughably bad, invoking old stereotypes and the shopkeeper from Gremlins without any sense of irony. Edward Said would have a field day, it's like Talons of weng-chiang never happened! And the less said about the beetle the better.

All in all Turn Left is the beginning of a wrap-up on RTD's tenure on the show, referencing things that have gone before and foreshadowing a great finale which will bring this era to a close. Genuinely moving in parts and with an exciting cliffhanger (not sure exactly how bad wolf signals the end of the universe...but I'm still not exactly sure what bad wolf is.) that makes you disregard the patchy opening and will lead into what looks like a busy as hell season finale.

Next week: Judoon! Daleks! Rose! Captain Jack! Sarah Jane! Martha! Luke! Gwen and Ianto! Harriet Jones! Red Dalek! Davros!

Come back Ashes to Ashes, all is forgiven!

Glad to see that the 24 set is being put to good use during its hiatus.

Of course not, no this is the latest British TV programme to get the American remake treatment; Life on Mars! Unfortunately it has much more in common than sub-par spin-off Ashes to Ashes than the far superior Life on Mars. For starters it's almost entirely pointless, being a remake we know the answer to the "Am I mad, in a coma, or back in time?" and because the opening storyline is identical to that of the original we know what's going to happen, so why bother watching it? In fact, I'm not entirely sure what the point of this remake is, anyone in the U.S who wanted to see it would have bought the DVDs or caught it on BBC America.

Replacing John Simm and Phillip Glenister are Jason O'Mara and Colm Meaney as Sam Tyler and Gene Hunt respectively. And it's these two that are the other problems with this American remake.

For starters, Jason O'Mara is terrible, just terrible. He has all the acting style and charisma of a cardboard cutout of Matthew Fox and delivers his lines like a character out of Silent Hill and Resident Evil 5; "What's happening?" He only seems to brood or shout angrily, not unlike Keanu Reeves.

Colm Meaney though, is a competent actor. It's just a shame that, in this opening episode at least, injects none of the attitude or machismo to the character of Gene Hunt. The only moment at which he does break the 21st century police rules is when he beats up a woman. Yes, he beats up a woman. Something the original Gene would certainly not do.

And that's the final main problem, having Gene as a woman beater is the only thing they do different. The appeal to many with the original Mars was that it was much like having new episodes of The Sweeney back on the telly. If the makers of this new American remake had any balls, they would channel the likes of Starsky and Hutch to give it a proper American makeover. It has, however made me think I should give Ashes to Ashes another shot, and I will be watching the second episode just to see if they do anything at all different, after all the American version of The Office had a similarly dodgy first episode. But then they have Steve Carrell....we have Jason O'Mara who is just as funny, albeit for the wrong reasons.

"Stains on the windows?"

Although it's another three months until I go back to Uni and, indeed the new TV season starts, I have been treated to the season premiere of JJ Abrams' (Lost, Cloverfield, Alias) new project; Fringe. So how is it? Full of questions? Yes and, indeed no.

I don't know, exactly, what Abrams has against air travel and his father but it is clear these issues are something that affects his work. Fringe opens with a delightfully gruesome scene of a virus breaking out on a busy flight. Thankfully, said plane does not crash on a magical island, but it does, like Lost set off the series. Charlotte Rampling's Agent Durnham is put in charge of investigating what caused the outbreak, leading her and her boyfriend to some laboratories which unfortunately explode and almost kill the pair of them.

Father issues also make another appearance, though not on as massive a scale as Lost, as the scientist hired by Agent Durnham has an estranged son (played by Pacey off of Dawsons Creek) who's not exactly overjoyed to be thrust back into his company.

Airplane 3: Not as funny as the first one

Said scientist is played by John Noble who played Denethor in Lord of the Rings. Perhaps the John Locke of Fringe being all mysterious and doing a very competent impression of Vincent Price. That said, maybe it's Lance Reddick, star of "Greatest TV Show Ever EVER" The Wire. Head of a division of the FBI investigating "The Pattern" a series of experiments by someone using the planet as a laboratory. Bad ass, and indeed mysterious (Especially by episodes end when Durnham is asked to think why he sent her to the laboratory.) so who knows? Another mysterious character is yet to be seenDoctor Bell, who could very well be the villain of the piece.

He's got some transcripts of wiretaps in there

Another promising start from Abrams and I believe this time that the storyline isn't going to be dragged out seeing as the structure of the season lends itself more to stand-alone episodes than Lost does. Annoyingly, the pilot ends on a bit of a cliffhanger, so I now have to wait until frigging September to find out what the hell is going on. Strongly reccomended for something to fill the gaps left by Lost and 24.

"...what could possibly go wrong?"

Ah yes, that old pre-titles chestnut.
Ah yes, that old pre-titles chestnut.

As hackneyed as that opening was, tonights Doctor Who is quite possibly, a masterpiece.
As hackneyed as that opening was, tonights Doctor Who is quite possibly, a masterpiece. (Okay, I'll stop the Lesley Sharpe impressions.)


Strong stuff coming after a Moffat 2-parter (the second part of which, if I'm being honest left me a little cold and underwhelmed.) but RTD OBE really pulled it out the bag with a claustrophobic, creepy as hell, quite obviously money saving episode. And, much like Silence in the Library/The Forest of the Dead played on a homespun fear as for all it's Sapphire waterfalls and "Big Space Trucks" it's really a story that plays on our Post 9/11 fear and suspicion regarding air travel. The scenes where the passengers turn on the Doctor, and eventually themselves were beautifully played. Interestingly, the Doctor is not looked on as the great hero who will save them all this week his "alien" nature resulting in him being ostracised from the human group and seen as a collaborator with the strange alien force. The very fact that noone trusts him leaves him utterly powerless and it is incredible to witness.

Lesley Sharpe, who I find kinda unsettling anyway, was fantastic as Sky Silvestry the possessed passenger who starts freaking everyone out and turning them all against themselves. And these moments were genuinely distressing.

For, I think, the first time since The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit it was left pretty ambiguous as to what the hell this alien threat was. And to be honest it's something I have no problem with, it's refreshing to see the Doctor get into a situation he doesn't understand, a lot of the time he can come across as an arrogant all knowing smug prick, so how great it was for him to admit he had no idea what the hell happened. David Tennant flew solo for the majority of the episode, giving Catherine Tate a break before she takes centre-stage in next weeks Doctor-lite episode (More on that in a minute.) but when she does turn up at the end, we feel, much like the Doctor does a sense of relief and of being so glad to see her.

Midnight is exactly the reason I love this show, how it can be a sci-fi epic set in a space library one week and a distressing, claustrophobic tale of mistrust and fear the next. The fact that it's all taking place in a family show is all the more incredible, proper drama at 7:10 on a Saturday night. Long may it continue...

The Geeky:- David Troughton who played Professor Hobbes is the son of Second Doctor Patrick and has appeared in the series three times previously in The Enemy of the World, The War Games and The Curse of Peladon. Talk about nepotism! Of course not, he's a talented actor and was wonderful, especially when he had to make the decision over whether or not to kill the Doctor. There was something slightly uncomfortably United 93 about that whole moment but there you go.

Next week:- The finale starts here! Donna meets Rose and never meets the Doctor?

"I don't need this job..."

Things not to say in a job interview! No, this isn't from popular US gameshow Jeopardy but something uttered by airy-fairy aromatherapist risk assessor Lucinda in this weeks The Apprentice.


I didn't actually get to see the episode until Saturday, hence scenes reminiscent of the classic Likely Lads episode in which the lads attempt to avoid hearing the result of a football game before they go home and watch the highlights. Opened The Sun and narrowly avoided the summary of the episode, though my eyes were drawn to a picture of Lucinda setting off alarm bells instantly, my gran almost spilt the beans and my mate let slip that Sir Al only fires one person. Odds firmly stacked against me, (including a tricky rebuilding of my mums PC, an uncooperative internet connection, and some iPlayer problems.) I sat down to watch the always entertaining job interview episode. As ever, Sir Alans trusted advisors grilled the teams over the space of one day in a gruelling interview session. (Think that's gruelling? They clearly haven't been to a Sainsburys Induction!)

Don't you just want to suck the lips off him?

I love these guys though, and the scenes they have reporting back on the candidates in the boardroom with Nick, Margaret and Sir Alan should be a series all on its own. So, what interesting gems did the interviewers dredge up, well:

British born Alex claims being fluent in English is a skill. I'd argue with this, but looking at the current run of celebs (And indeed Sir Alan and Lee McQueen...sorry, cheap shot) who barely have a grasp of the language he may indeed be on to something.

Lee McQueen lied about his time at University. Instead of taking 2 years to walk out on his degree he did so after only 4 months....right, why even bother putting it down that you didn't acheive the degree? Sir Alan seems to have no problem with a lack of University education at all.

Clare used to be a club-rep. She says there's no embarassing photos or videos of her time in this debauched profession. Having seen her in a bikini I am eternally grateful for this.

Helene "wants to dive into the ocean of opportunity..." 'Nuff said.

I think we also learnt that after 4 years, Sir Alan has finally lost his marbles. Nick and Margaret are clearly keeping the company going whilst their boss increasingly turns into a dribbling dementia riddled mess. Traditionally speaking, the final 5 is reduced to 2 in the interview episode but this time, Sir Alan, probably forgetting to take his medication, fired just the one, Lucinda because, no doubt he wasn't sure about her commitment to the job, that and she was too zany for him. Given his decisions this year, I dread to think how zany that is. Given that next weeks task pits Clare and Lee against Alex and Helene with the losing team being fired and the strongest member of the winning team being hired, I think it's an entirely pointless exercise as we'd probably have a Clare/Lee final anyway. Unless he's going to lose it altogether and hire both of them....wish I hadn't said that now.

would you hire this man?

"Donna Noble has left the library...."

Just who the hell is River Song?

One of the things that Doctor Who does really well is take something normal and everyday and make it utterly terrifying. Steven Moffat has become the poster boy for such a practice, playing on the idea of monsters under the bed in his Season 2 episode Girl in the Fireplace, making statues scary in the peerless Blink, and now he takes darkness, shadows and those flecks of dust you see in sunbeams and turns them into something truly terrifying. Put that man in charge! Oh...right...yeah.


So, after a message on the Psychic Paper, the Doctor takes Donna to the biggest library in the universe which is a whole planet of books. However the library is abandoned and they're warned to stay out of the shadows. All sounds simple enough, but in the hands of Steven Moffat it becomes much more complicated and exciting. As if the pirahnas of the air and the multiplying shadows weren't bad enough, we have 4,000 missing people (The answer to that probably lies in the fate of Donna...) the relationship of River Song to the Doctor, (So far the messageboards are arguing over whether she's the TARDIS, Captain Jack, A future regeneration of the Doctor, The Doctor's wife, the wife of a duplicate version of the 10th Doctor, Rose (!!!!), and Martha (!!!!!!!)) and exactly who the little girl is and how she's controlling the library from modern day England. All these questions will no doubt be answered in the second part on Saturday and I simply cannot wait after that cracker of a cliffhanger. Surrounded by darkness, the Vashta Nerada closing in and the Doctor realises exactly what's happened to Donna.

Face? Bothered?

Good cast, Steve Pemberton as the unlikeable (and surely the next casualty?) rich man in charge of the expedition to the library, Colin Salmon being pretty damned enigmatic and the little girl are all excellent. Not entirely sure about Alex Kingston, she isn't demanding my attention as much as she probably should seeing as she's one of the many mysteries in the Library.

Moffat's done it again basically, no doubt scaring kids across the country with a multi-layered tale that bodes extremely well for the future of the show. Doctor Who is in very very safe hands.

The Geeky:

Once again there's a reference to the last Classic Doctor Who serial Survival: "Don't go out on Sundays, Sundays are boring..." Not sure where these Survival references are going, Cheetah People in the finale? Rona Munro writing an episode? People looking too much into things?

River Song has a squareness gun, the gun that Captain Jack uses in The Empty Child.

Gin and Bear It

There's a Dalek in the picture, thus filling my Saturday Who quota

I'll talk about Steven Moffat's utterly fantastic, very intriguing and slightly scary Silence in the Library later but first, let's talk about the grand final of Britains Got Talent. Blogging about Talent instead of Who? I feel like a cheating wife.

I have to say, I've taken a great amount of guilty pleasure from Britains Got Talent. Everything about the show suggests I should hate it with a passion; Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan for one. Not a fan of the way in which the producers only highlight the terrible tragedies behind the actual talented ones cos you don't want to see a little handicapped orphan getting verbally abused for his rendition of Unchained Melody. But the thing I absolutely hate most about these competitions is

...the pregnant pauses before announcing a winner. So why do I enjoy it? I think it's because at heart I am someone who should have grown up in the 70's. Practically every television programme that has influenced me from a young age is from the 70's, most of my favourite films are from the 70's and the 70's was a great age for primetime variety shows. So I love the fact that one minute you could be harbouring lustful and borderline illegal desires for a 20-something belly dancer before hastily getting them out of your mind as they shepherd in a 6 year old girl singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" at that stage you probably want to put your pants back on. Variety is great and it's clearly what the public want, pulling in figures of around 13 million that you can usually only get for a Only Fools and Horses Christmas special. It is a shame that it suffers from the main problems of all talent shows on tv right now, the endless recapping, the padding out of the results show, Piers bloody Morgan. And tonights final was genuinely entertaining, thankfully the Great British public decided not to vote for another singer and went for the amazingly talented and very likeable George Sampson and his Singing in the Rain routine.

I was amazed by the public reaction to Kate and Gin, the dog act which, if you believe the tabloids and the news choreographed the whole routine himself. Poor Kate was never mentioned for her work in setting up the routine and training the bloody dog to dance. Piers Morgans "This is the animal worlds stamp on this competition that says: Beat That" was utterly bloody ridiculous.

He'll be advertising Drench in no time at all

Anyway it's George who'll be performing in front of Prince Charles, but with any competition like this, third placer; young Chorister Andrew Johnson is guaranteed a record deal with a voice like that, and anyone who gets into the final has been noticed and will no doubt get work. On the Britains Got Talent tour no doubt.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Angry Fanboys

May Include Spoilers (...and nuts)

With something as big as Indy it's never going to be possible to please all of the people all of the time. This is nothing new to me as a Doctor Who fan, ever since the show came back there have always been many people holding Russell T Davies up as the man who has single-handedly destroyed the show they were brought up with. George Lucas has already, and quite rightly had a lot of similar flack for the Star Wars prequel fiasco, so has he done it all over again?

Well, no, he hasn't because it's not written by him, and it has the reliable figures of Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg doing exactly what they do best. Of course, there was a worry around ten minutes in after a barnstorming chase through Area 51 (Yes, you read that right, but more on this later...) and a sadly underused model village nuclear test site that upon being accused of collaborating with those damned Ruskies (No more Nazis, might be deemed offensive after Schindlers and let's face facts, it's 19 years after Crusade!) that much like Phantom Menace we would be treated to long protracted scenes of Indy put on trial by McCarthy. Thankfully not, though the witch hunt angle did give us some rather nice commentary on todays society which didn't seem too forced at all. So after tracking down the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail and whatever the fuck it is he's after in Temple of Doom what's Indy looking for this time? He has to return the Crystal Skull found by an old friend (Played by a woefully underused John Hurt.) to the temple, of course I'd known this about 5 minutes before the bloody BBFC rating came onscreen thanks to a spoilery Lego advert. Said Skull's resting just so happens to be in the fabled City of Lost Gold, of which this blogger recently wrote an essay on how it had never existed and became a justification for what was practically ethnic cleansing. So it was kind of fun to see how Indy handled it, by practically doing it all over again, the Russians killing all of the tribesfolk in their search for the city...there's social commentary for you.

Now this is where everyone seems to fall out, and if you've read this far without seeing the film I advise to bugger off and see it because I'm about to talk at length about the ending of the film. Right after this picture of the very sexy Cate Blanchett. And that's something I never thought I'd say, having never been a big fan of her in films. I think it's something to do with the communist badass character she was playing and that bit where she crushes an ant with her thighs...blimey.

I've got a weapon you can....I've already done that gag this week.

So then, the Crystal Skull itself. Previous Indy movies have concerned themselves with mythical and religious imagery though I would argue that Crusade is the only one to explicitly state this with the Ark and its power being much more ambiguous. This time, they've gone for a scientific approach, namely life on other planets. Like Raiders I would have preferred this to be a bit more ambiguous, did the aliens really need to come to life and fly off in their flying saucer? I really don't think so, and it did make the ending to the film seem a little bit ridiculous. That said, I think this was exactly the right time to look beyond the myths of our own world and look beyond the stars. At the beginning of the film Indy has lost best friend Marcus and his father and is getting on a little bit himself, he clearly still harbours feelings for lost love Marion. If this is all there is, is that not the most depressing thing in the world? Isn't it somehow right that we should comfort ourselves with the fact we're not alone in the universe? A lot of people have argued that you can't have this religious and scientific imagery hand in hand in a series, I disagree somewhat and I think Crystal Skull handles it pretty well, with a couple of oversights including that flying saucer.

All in all, it's the most fun I've had in the cinema in a long long time, unashamedly populist entertainment with a wafer thin story and some cracking action set pieces. Shia LeBouef didn't annoy me nearly as much as I thought he would either, and the suggestion at the end that he's to take over the franchise when he picks up the hat, ala young Indy in Crusade before having it snatched off him by old Indy made me chuckle. Sadly the ending wasn't as definitive as Last Crusade and I hope this means we're getting another film because I'd gladly be first in line for another crack of the whip. (Knew I could get a whip gag in here somewhere!)

"Now we're in trouble..."

I've got a big weapon for you to hold Billie....fnar fnar

You said it madam. As entertaining as Eurovision was (More on that tomorrow...) there was a feeling of emptiness about this Saturday without any new Doctor Who. In their infinite wisdom, the Beeb decided to make us all feel a little bit better by showing us what's to come in the next 6 episodes and....oh my.

Much of the trailer focused on Rose and the Daleks, with a few other little hints on the finale. The bees aren't the only things that are disappearing apparently, with Donna's grandad noticing the stars going out. Not only that, but the Doctor appears to travel through the time vortex! This killed the Indestructible Captain Harkness so how does the Doctor survive without regenerating?

There was also a lot of material from the eagerly anticipated Steven Moffat 2-parter with some rather awesome looking Spacesuit monsters.

Ambassadors of Death much?

Amongst other things there was the TARDIS on fire, Donna telling the Doctor that Rose is coming back, someone who looks like Donna in some very bright light, and Rose warning Donna that the darkness is coming. That and we get a lot of Rose doing her very best Buffy the Vampire Slayer routine....oh....and is this him?

All in all it's looking like a pretty exciting 6 weeks that'll no doubt build on the strongest series since the revival...and herald and ending of sorts to RTD's era.

"I'd understand if she was drying her eyes over being dumped for a Cheeky Girl"

Tissues are wonderful items to have around the house, they're good for blowing your nose, dabbing the tears from your eyes and wiping away unwanted stains....unfortunately they didn't wipe away that odious streak of piss Michael in this weeks Apprentice.

Yes it was the always entertaining advertising task, every series of The Apprentice has had one, and every time some silly sausage forgets to really specify what it is they're advertising! So by now, in its 4th year, someone would have learned from this. Clearly Alex has, because his advert practically forced the message down your throat, much like he might do with a lady.....what? All I'm saying is he looks like a selfish lover. Anyway, Alex's advertising campaign for Atishu (Props to Lee McQueen for a genuinely good name) and box design came across like some sort of fluorescent hallucinogenic nightmare, but because it featured a shot of the horrific dayglo box (below) and patronised fuck out of the audience ("Tissues! Tissues! I'm advertising tissues! Tissues!") they won.

Ever thought what it feels like to be stabbed in the eyes?

Raef was the one responsible for not learning from the mistakes of others as he directed a heartwarming advert about, to quote Helene; 'The relationship between a mother and son, between a boy and a girl and between us and our tissues...." I'm sorry, what? Is this something to do with the discussion Clare and Raef had about another use for tissues in this deleted scene? Still, utterly ridiculous that statement may have been, it was still a damned sight better than Lee McQueen's stumbling delivery.

The advert, featuring actual tissues and, bizarrely, weathergirl Sian Lloyd. I'm still completely flummoxed by Raef's choice to hire her to advertise "I Love My Tissues". (Shit name...) She was pretty dreadful, but Raef's nervousness about meeting her was heartwarming.

Unfortunately it had a distinct lack of box, right up until the band at bottom of the screen at the end....in their defence I thought it pretty bleeding obvious that it was a box of tissues (And a damned sight classier looking box of tissues.) they were advertising. But Sir Alan was not happy. "Ah dunno wot yer advert's abaht!" he exclaimed, I suspect he has no love for the Cadburys gorilla. Michael (Former male escort allegedly, see here.) was on Raef's team...so surely he couldn't have been taken into the boardroom cos he'd have got fired right?

I mean Sir Alan said last week that he'd had enough of him...no, the stupid cockney cunt fired Raef, because he's "all hot air" and is only lucky that "you've only been here once." Bull-fucking-shit. Sorry Sir Alan, I like you and all that, but Raef proved himself as a fantastic team leader in the laundry task, and has been complicit in the big successes of Lucinda last week and Lee the week before. So exactly how does that make him full of hot air? The main problem with the ad was a lack of the product, fair does but Michael was the one most vocal on removing the shot of the box in the first place. In, I think the third time this series I think Sir Alan has made a mistake, but fuck it, he's richer and more powerful than I am. My main worry with Michael is that a similar thing happened with last years winner Simon Ambrose, granted he was a much more likeable figure, but he fucked up a couple of times and Sir Alan kept him on, and eventually gave him the job...surely he's not about to do it again?

"I can't wait to see where his extraordinary imagination takes the Doctor"

The words of a Mr Russel T Davies there, who and indeed what is he talking about? In what is perhaps the least surprising news in the world, the MediaGuardian website today announced that Steven Moffat (For it is he!) Is to succeed RTD as show runner when Doctor Who returns proper in 2010. Terrific news, perhaps we'll get a touch of the Hinchcliffe era "Hammer Horror at dinnertime" approach? Of course I do worry that, much like Rusty, the quality of his work will be diluted by the amount of scripts and work he has to do and let's face facts, the man can hardly knock out a script like Blink every week can he? Best of luck to him, he's going to need it...because there are some messageboards out there that will now be expecting even greater things from his Fourth Series story Silence in the Library which airs after Eurovision.

In other irritating scheduling news, the BBC are moving The Apprentice to Tuesday opposite The F word and Britains Got Talent. This is because England are playing the USA....Fuck Me, that will be exciting.

Flapper or Slapper?

Doctor Who has tried out and out comedy a few times in it's 45 year history. The first story being the classic Hartnell serial The Romans by Donald Cotton, which I absolutely adore as a story, a lot of fun and very different from the stories both preceding and following it. Then of course we had bona-fide classic City of Death, perhaps one of the best Who stories of all time. And now this generation has The Unicorn and the Wasp. Only, the comedy of the episode is based more in irritating, self referencing gags involving Agatha Christie titles, and Donna giving Christie the ideas for Miss Marple and Murder on the Orient Express, ha-bloody-ha. Still, after 3 years of practically the same formula (Doctor and companion meet famous historical figure and fight aliens.) it was nice to see them try something a little different with the Celebrity-Historical episode.

The Doctor, Donna and David Tennant's dad have tea on the lawn

Traditionally speaking, (Traditionally! Check me! It's only been running for 3 bloody years.) such an episode is reserved for the early stages of the series, and with this episode one of the first to be filmed, it certainly felt like an episode that should have been earlier in the run. As a character Donna didn't feel quite as strong a character as she has been in the stories preceding it. Though I suppose after 5 really strong episodes dealing with some fairly serious issues (slavery, altering the course of history, kick-ass sexy as hell illegitimate daughters...) there is a need to give us something a bit lighter.

Anyway, what the hell was it all about eh? As I say it's nice to see the team tackle something a little bit different, casting the Doctor and Donna in a murder mystery at a country house complete with lead piping, libraries, family secrets and Agatha Christie. Obviously this came as much delight to Donna and the Doctor before being scolded for taking delight in tragedy...a recurring theme? All in all it was a typical "abandoned child seeks revenge" murder mystery with a sci-fi twist; said abandoned child is actually shapeshifting wasp.

Fenella Woolgar was excellent as Agatha Christie and her scenes with the Doctor and Donna were an absolute delight, though I'm not entirely sure why the alien jewel suddenly linked itself to her, the explanation for its murderous rampage was that it absorbed one of her books not her whole imagination and back-catalogue. This seemed like a rather tacked on piece of nonsense so that we can have an explanation for Agatha Christies famous disappearance and memory loss. Good supporting cast also helped to support a rather paper thin premise with Who veteran Christopher Benjamin in a brilliant role as the wheelchair bound old General with his own reasons for staying in the chair. Felicity Kendall was brilliant as always as she recounted her time in India where she fell pregnant with alien wasp. A nice little scene at the end for the Doctor discussing how we'll be remembered after we're gone, is this going anywhere, could the Song for Ten be coming to an end?

Mad, fast-paced, and a bit too smart-arse, but Gareth Roberts' Unicorn and the wasp sadly failed to live up to his superior mad, fast-paced, bit too smart-arse Shakespeare Code of last season. No new episode this Saturday, on account of Eurovision, which I suppose will be covered in this blog. There will be a trailer encompassing the remaining episodes airing just before Wogan cracks open his first bottle of Wine, a glimpse of Davros perhaps? Guess we'll find out!

Terry's also excited about what we might see in the trailer....dirty boy

The Geeky:- Christopher Benjamin has starred in 2 earlier Doctor Who stories: Inferno and The Talons of Weng-Chiang.

Chief Inspector John Smith of Scotland Yard has been used by the Doctor before in Ghost Light and I'm pretty sure The Talons of Weng-Chiang.

Glimpse of a Cyberman chestplate, just to remind us all in the run-up to Christmas. Also references to previous historicals The Unquiet Dead and The Shakespeare Code.

"I've reached the end of my rope with you..."

"...whimper...sniffle...whimper...don't fire me..." Prick

I don't know what the fuck Sir Alan sees in "Good Jewish Boy" Michael Sophocles, but he's safe again. A snivelling, odious, monotonous whinging plea to Sir Alan seemed to save his good jewish arse for another week, claiming he could be team leader next week and prove himself. And I hope to fucking god Sir Alan sees sense and fires the slimy little scumbag. Anyway, that's enough vitriol for just now, let's take a look at the task shall we?

This week saw the teams sell wedding dresses at the big wedding fair at the Birmingham NEC. And whilst not being nearly as exciting, or as downright bewildering as last weeks Marrakesh jolly, it did provide some great moments. Such as....

Bear with me...

Raef dressed as a bear in a rather odd move to try and shift more wedding night lingerie...right, not sure I get the strategy, but rather that than having Raef parade around in a sexy nightie. Or is it?

Lucinda was team leader this week, deciding to take Raef's gamble of the expensive designer dresses (2 grand a pop! Crikey!) and snatched the wedding night lingerie off of Helene's team as a result, primarily because I think the woman didn't want to have anything to do with the company providing Helene's wedding dresses.

In what was perhaps the most bizarre marketing strategy ever (though it did the trick for Helene) a woman selling coloured wedding dresses (Cos let's face it. How many virgins are in those virginal white wedding dresses these days?) said "Jordan and Jodie Marsh have had similar dresses and everyone wants to be a celebrity." I don't know much about women, but I'm prrretty sure they don't want to be done up like a tabloid slapper on their wedding day.

As a result of losing the lingerie (not literally thank christ.) Helene was forced to go with the wedding cake option, which provided some of the most cringeworthy scenes in Apprentice history as Sara and the aforementioned odious prick Michael practically tried to browbeat people into buying their wedding cake. (which were...er...more expensive than the dresses they were selling...nice one!)

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Lucinda's team won with a profit of just under six grand (they only sold 2 dresses, gutted Helene.) and Sara was fired from Helene's team, somewhat unfairly in my opinion, but there you go. Hopefully next week will be Michaels undoing in my favourite task of the year, the advertising task! And Raef gets nervous about meeting Sian Lloyd. Seriously.

SKY1 Revival #999

Exactly what the hell is wrong with Sky1? Reviving as many TV shows as they can get their hands on the rights to?

Look at their faces...why so serious? Gladiators is back!

If you've seen Sky One at any point at all over the last month you're probably aware that Gladiators is back on the telly. And well...I'm not too sure. Don't get me wrong, it was certainly entertaining but there was something missing. Maybe it's the Gladiators themselves, there was no real interaction between them and the contestants outside of the games, the only real confrontations being a little bit of trash talk between Wolf-a-like Oblivion and one of the contestants. John Anderson (For it is he!) tried to lighten the mood a bit by giving him a telling off but this ended up being drowned out by Ian sodding Wright. If they're looking for a Wolf for the 21st century you have to let him have a bit of argy-bargy with the referee, or at least let him push Ian in the swimming pool. It all just takes itself a little bit too seriously for it's own good, what with all the black and silver costumes, ridiculous searchlights all over the place and no real humour, be it intentional or not. There's not even someone like Jet! Aaaah Jet.

Oh my.

Anyhoo...the Gladiators I remember was fun, colourful and had a football player who couldn't present television to save his.....okay, they still have that. This is just a bit too monochrome, there's no real way of telling the difference between the Gladiators and the presenting is just dire and not in a funny John Fashanu way, in a painful to watch way. And just cos there's a swimming pool involved, doesn't mean it's any more exciting. 1990's nostalgia kicks off here folks... may God have mercy on our souls.

Pram-Face TARDIS

If you haven't seen this weeks Doctor Who (And I don't even know how many people read this, let alone how many people read it and watch Who.) you better just bugger off right now. Yup, that's right, sod off, cos otherwise I'm gonna spoil the hell out of The Doctor's Daughter for you.

The Doctor, Martha and Donna are held hostage by fans angered by the thought the Doctor can be a father

In an episode that packed so much, almost too much into 45 minutes, it's rather difficult to discern where to begin. So let's begin with the storyline, which, much like last years Utopia was merely window-dressing for a much bigger happening in the Whoniverse. That's not to say that it wasn't an interesting one, it was classic alien warzone stuff with a lovely little twist at the end when Donna revealed that the war has only been going on for a week! That gave a little twist to a well-flogged horse. So the big happening? Something about a daughter?

I actually had to grudgingly applaud Stephen Greenhorn for his sheer cheek by having the introduction of the Doctor's daughter a rushed scene involving the Doc and a cloning machine. Because let's be honest, RTD was never going to have the Doctors original daughter and mother of Susan turn up. David Tennant was utterly fantastic this week, and his scenes with the gorgeous, sexy Georgia Moffet as Jenny were funny, emotional and utterly heartbreaking at various points throughout the episode as the Doctor began to realise that she really was his daughter.

Helping the Doctor realise this was the wonderful Catherine Tate (She was robbed! ROBBED! By Ant and Dec of all people? Thieving Geordie Bastards.) as Donna who had some brilliant scenes making the Doctor realise that Jenny was indeed his flesh and blood, two hearts and everything! Of course, they were never going to let her live were they? RTD seems intent on bringing back and killing Timelords, and I'm sure it was no accident that Jenny's death scene echoed the death of the Master at the end of last season. And the Doctors reaction was utterly shocking, aiming a gun at the head of the wonderful General Cobb before pointing out the difference between him and the Doctor. "I NEVER WOULD!" is perhaps one of my favourite bits of Nu-Who, once again, the script focused on the idea of soldiers, and the Doctor as a soldier. This included much reference to the Time War, and I can't help but think this is a theme that may come back in the finale. But that's not for months yet! So yes, a breakneck 45 minute emotional rollercoaster, a story that echoed The Wrath of Khan; a terra-forming device, a sacrifice and a surprise resurrection at the conclusion. Yeah Jenny lived, either in a sort of regeneration or as a result of the terra-forming device who knows? And to be honest, who cares? She's still alive, off out there in the universe growing up to be her father and being really bloody sexy. Fuck Torchwood, I want a 13 episode series of Georgia Moffet doing backflips. I suddenly need a cold shower.